"I don't know what I want to know"

I don't want to give instructions, because everything here is individual. I can share the main technique: constantly update your agreements.

If you settle them only once, you can later become hostages to that agreement.

My honest answer is: I don't know what I want to know.

On the one hand, I'm curious about what new discoveries and observations my partner has made. It's part of his life and his sexuality. That's the whole point: thanks to crushes and infatuations, in the long run your intimacy grows stronger rather than breaking.

On the other hand, I always want to hear that he has never had better sex with anyone than with me. That with others everything is boring and bland, and that no one can compare to me at all.

I don't forbid myself from thinking and saying this; despite the trust and openness, there's a grain of truth in it. And when you joke about it and honestly let these thoughts out, they stop taking up space in your head.

Of course, it's always nice to hear an experience compared in your favour. But usually that kind of comparison isn't a story about a specific person, it's a conversation about details and practices.

If I want to share something, I ask myself: why do I want to talk about this? Did it affect me somehow? Will it bring something to our relationship? Do I want to discuss it with a friend or with my partner?

Despite the initial agreements, it's easier to check each time whether the person wants to hear that kind of story right now. You can also stop your partner at any moment, change your mind and say: "That's it, I don't want to hear any more."

If you start to feel uncomfortable or insecure, you can ask your partner to tell you what he likes about the sex the two of you have. It will help you ground yourself and feel that you're together, here and now. And also to turn your attention to your partner, get aroused and have sex, for example ;)

Maybe this is obvious, but when talking about a sexual experience, there's no need to go into detail about who exactly it was with. That information doesn't add much value to the relationship, but it can complicate everything.

For me this is a tough and far from obvious topic; they don't write about it in textbooks or talk about it in the family. But I've set out a couple of rules for myself.

Is flirting at a bar worth telling your partner about? What about a spark of passion that flared up and turned into sex with another person? For me the answer is obvious: I would tell them if it brought new emotions for me, for my partner or for our relationship. Will this information make your intimacy better? If yes, tell them, even if it's a small thing. If you're not sure, then why?

Never tell the person close to you, the one you're in a relationship with, that they're worse than your other partners in any way. It won't do anyone any good, but it will shatter their self-esteem.

Instead of "So-and-so has better taste in restaurants than you", you can say "You pick such great flowers for our dates! You're the best at it!". And if there's nothing to say, then why are you in this relationship?

Looking at the first rule, you might think I'm not ready to tell my primary partner about all my relationships, but that's not true. My rule here is to be honest with myself and with my partner, and to be ready to answer questions.

Will I talk about all my connections with other people right away? No. Will I tell everything honestly if I'm asked a direct question? Absolutely, yes.

If there was unprotected contact for any reason (we believe doing it on purpose is unacceptable, but accidents can happen). In that case, we've decided it's easier for us to tell each other right away and get tested.