I'm in a relationship, but I enjoy flirting with other people. Is that ok?

What actually counts as flirting?

Flirting is a form of communication through body language, words or messages, meant to create a sense of play or excitement and to hint at romantic or sexual interest.

Put simply: when there's something in the air, but nobody names it out loud.

Being warm and charming ≠ flirting

Flirting begins where there's a game, intentional or not, that both people pick up on. You can't flirt on your own.

People can differ a lot in how sensitive they are to these signals: what's obvious flirting to one person is just charisma or a way of talking to another. That's exactly why flirting so often causes confusion.

Why do I enjoy compliments from a colleague if I'm in a relationship?

Attraction to others doesn't vanish the moment you enter a relationship: your brain doesn't stop noticing attractive people just because you've signed an unspoken monogamy agreement.

Flirting confirms that you're still attractive and interesting — not only to a partner who has long been used to you, but to the outside world too. It feeds your self-esteem and your sense of being alive.

And light flirting with no intent behind it can bring back a sense of spontaneity and play — something stable relationships start to lack over time.

Yes, but… isn't that wrong?

Many people in relationships live with an unspoken belief: a good partner doesn't notice others, isn't interested in them, doesn't feel attraction. And when it does happen — and it happens to everyone — a person doesn't just notice the feeling, they also blame themselves for having it at all.

This "should" applied to desire is an attempt to control not behavior, but the emotions themselves. And it's a trap: forbidding a feeling doesn't destroy it, it only drives it deeper and adds shame. And shame is a poor advisor: it doesn't help you understand yourself, it just makes you hide. In the end, a person spends a huge amount of energy not on the relationship, but on fighting their own mind.

You don't choose feelings, you choose actions.

And this is where your real area of responsibility lies: not in ceasing to notice other people, but in what you do with what you notice.

And between desire and action, there's a huge distance.

One of the biggest illusions about love: in a good relationship, two people dissolve into each other and stop noticing anyone else around them. In practice, that isn't closeness, it's anxious attachment, in which a partner's autonomy is perceived as a threat.

Mature relationships rest on a balance between attachment and autonomy. I'm with you — and I still remain myself. I have my own life, my own interests, my own appeal to the world — and that's not a threat to our closeness, it's a condition for it. Because a partner who lives only inside the relationship eventually becomes less interesting, both to themselves and to the other person.

In this sense, flirting can be not just an expression of aliveness, but a sign that a person hasn't dissolved into the couple and is still in touch with themselves.

The problem doesn't arise when flirting brings you pleasure, but when it becomes a way of avoiding something in the relationship.

If every conversation with an attractive stranger feels like a breath of the air you're missing at home, that's not a verdict on your relationship, but information for you.

And it doesn't mean you're a bad person. It simply highlights something in your relationship that's worth exploring.

Approach it with curiosity, talk honestly with your partner and don't rush to conclusions.

So flirting isn't cheating?

There's no universal answer.

For one couple, an innocent text exchange is already a betrayal. For another, going on a date with a third person together is normal and part of their agreements.

Cheating isn't a specific action, it's breaking what you agreed on with each other. And that's exactly why the only way to know whether your flirting is a problem is to talk about it with your partner. To find out what's acceptable for you, where your boundaries are, and what each of you considers cheating.

That conversation is uncomfortable and hard, but it's the only thing that gives you real ground to stand on, lets you stop living in anxiety and stop guessing what the other person thinks.