How to talk to your loved ones without getting irritated
And other questions for a communication expert
How to talk to your loved ones without getting irritated
We asked a co-author of a book on authentic communication, who also hosts a podcast, how to get less irritated with the people close to us.
We realised that sometimes it's worth being a caring robot.
How do I tell my partner what I don't like about their behaviour?
Ask yourself what exactly is irritating you and which of your needs exactly aren't being met.
For example, your partner keeps forgetting their promises to do things. This frustrates you because clear plans matter to you, or because that's how respect shows up for you.
Explain how their actions look from your point of view and how you feel.
The request might sound like this: "I noticed that this week you forgot to go grocery shopping and water the plants. It upset me, because a sense of comfort at home is important to me. What can we come up with together to sort this out?"
"I-statements" feel artificial. It's hard to talk like that
When something takes conscious effort, you may really feel like you're talking like a robot.
But skills are built through repetition, so start by simply noting your emotions: "Right now I feel joy / boredom / surprise."
Over time, turning to your emotions will become more natural, and "I-statements" will start showing up in your speech on their own.
How do I tell my partner I need more personal time and space without hurting them?
Space for yourself is a fairly basic need in a relationship, but everyone has their own sense of what that space is. Explain why spending time apart matters to you.
If the suggestion of more personal space makes your partner anxious, you can add some predictability and set a framework. For example, spending Sunday evenings separately.
Align your expectations and decide together on the time you'll spend apart.
What should you do if your parents violate your personal boundaries when you talk?
Define your boundaries with your parents and be consistent. What's okay and what isn't? For example, giving advice is okay, but insisting on one choice or another is not. "Mum, I'm uncomfortable when you insist on things. I'm an adult now, and it's important to me to take responsibility for my own actions."
The harder part comes next: consistently standing up for your boundaries. Your relationship already has certain patterns, and it will take time to rebuild them.
Remember that the only person responsible for your boundaries is you, and protecting them is your job.
Spending time with my partner's family is hard and draining. How do I keep contact to a minimum and gently explain why to my partner?
Spending time with your partner's family is a choice, not an obligation.
Say honestly how you feel, and suggest how often you'd be comfortable seeing them.
Someone I'm not interested in is inviting me to the cinema, a bar, a museum. How do I turn down people I'm not interested in without hurting them?
Honestly and calmly: "Thank you, but I don't want to."
But the other person will most likely be hurt whatever your approach. Not being of interest to someone you like is unpleasant, however you're told.
