I'm a manipulator in my relationship. What should I do?

Is it actually okay to manipulate?

Yes, manipulation isn't such a scary thing. We develop the skill of manipulation back in childhood. Ever heard that children are the best manipulators? It's true. Children know how to get what they need on the most "favorable" terms.

There are two kinds of manipulation: conscious and unconscious.

In relationships, we most often run into unconscious manipulation. That's when we don't deliberately influence our partner for our own personal goals, but *unconsciously* seek control over our partner's emotions and behavior, because we don't know how to state our demands and expectations directly.

Let's talk about those.

Why do we manipulate?

Manipulation is **a way of protecting ourselves** and an attempt to get what we want as "safely" as possible.

We often don't know how to, and *are afraid to say directly*, what we need and what we feel.

Why are we afraid? Fear of showing our weakness, vulnerability or insecurity in front of our partner, fear of being misunderstood.

Our psyche unconsciously looks for a way to get the actions or emotions we need from our partner, and finds it through manipulation.

This way we *avoid the pain* of a direct and honest conversation, where we would have to talk about our needs openly.

Examples of such manipulation

Example 1: During an argument, I start talking about breaking up. But I don't want to break up. I want him to respond by saying that he loves me and wants to be together. I'm afraid to say directly that I feel unvalued and unloved in the relationship, and to figure out what to do about it. So I try *to get a dose of recognition and love through manipulation.*

Example 2: I want financial support from my partner. I could ask for it directly. But I'm afraid to talk about money. So instead I just start complaining about how bad things are for me, suffering and waiting for him to offer help himself. And he might offer. Or he might not. Because through manipulation you *don't send a clear message about what you need*. But it feels safe for you. *You don't have to admit your problems* and face the answer.

"I manipulate. What should I do?"

Realizing that you're a manipulator means reaching a new level of thinking.

First, it's a sign that you've grown up. Many people go through life without ever noticing their games.

Second, think about it: do your manipulations cause *real harm* to you or your partner?

Manipulation is part of our lives. It can also be *harmless*. Just a mutual game in a relationship that doesn't hurt either of you.

If your manipulations are harmless, there's no need to look for a problem where there isn't one. Sometimes you're just a sly fox ;)

"Our relationship suffers from manipulation. What should I do?"

If your manipulations cause pain to you or your partner, start noting them from now on and asking yourself questions:

*What do I REALLY want to get with my behavior?*

*What am I provoking my partner into, which feelings, with my manipulations?*

*What am I actually missing that I'm trying to get through manipulation because I'm afraid to say it directly?*

This kind of analysis will help you pin down your fears and vulnerable spots and start working on them.

Pro-level intimacy

Honestly admit to your partner that you were manipulating in that particular situation. And explain *what* you were really feeling and wanted to get from them.

A conversation like this takes real courage. And that's exactly how you'll start moving toward genuine intimacy in your relationship and learn to be honest with each other.

Tracking and analyzing your manipulations is a great way to get to know yourself better, along with your desires and what you could work on.

So don't be afraid of your manipulations. Love them!