What to ask and what to say if your partner tells you about violence they have experienced
A specialist from the Sisters Center explains what to ask and say when a partner opens up about past violence, and what to do if your own emotions feel overwhelming.
What to ask and what to say if your partner tells you about violence they have experienced
Sharing an experience of violence is often very hard, even with the people closest to you. Survivors may need years before they can say out loud what happened.
Especially for Purpur, a specialist from the Sisters Center explained what to ask and what to say if your partner tells you about violence they once experienced. And what to do if you feel you can't cope with your own emotions because of what you've heard.
Hearing what someone dear to you has had to go through is not easy.
The Sisters Center exists for exactly these experiences: it is a place that offers psychological support to survivors and their loved ones. If you feel you need help, you can call the helpline or write to the crisis email.
☎️ 8-499-901-0201 (Mon–Sat, 10:00 to 20:00)
📧 online@sisters-help.ru
Sisters × Purpur
Answered by a specialist from the Sisters Center
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"So what exactly did they do to you?"
"Why didn't you tell anyone else?"
"Why didn't you go to the police?"
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"Thank you for trusting me"
"I'm proud of you and your courage"
"I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this"
At the core of the trauma of sexualized violence is the loss of control over one's body and life. That is why recovery should be aimed at taking that control back.
Survivors should decide for themselves whom to tell about what happened, and how. Don't try to dig for details or ask questions that sound like an interrogation.
Listen more, thank them for the trust they've shown you, and show that it means a great deal to you to be the person they feel safe with.
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"That was a long time ago, are you sure you remember it right?"
"I can't imagine that person being an abuser"
"Then why did you see each other a few more times?"
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"You did everything you could"
"It wasn't your fault"
"How you're feeling matters more to me than anything"
Statistically, survivors most often know the person who abused them. According to the Sisters Center:
80% of cases involve acquaintances
of which 41% are relatives
If it is a relative and the abuse goes on for a long time, survivors have to live in a state of constant stress under the same roof as the abuser. If it is an acquaintance, accepting what happened sometimes takes years, and the survivor keeps seeing the abuser, telling themselves that nothing terrible happened.
Don't blame them for what they did or didn't do: the mind protects each of us in different ways.
Focus on what your loved one is saying about their feelings, and remember that the blame always lies with the abuser.
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"I understand you were hurt, but you can't talk like that"
"You're overreacting"
"I don't think what you're saying is reasonable"
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"I'm here"
"I understand how you feel"
"You don't have to choose your words"
Don't judge, and don't pass judgment on survivors' emotions because of the words they choose to describe the abuser and what happened to them.
Any reaction to violence is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.
If you have nothing to say, nod, hold your loved one's hand, hug them: show that you accept these emotions.
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"We're going to the police"
"Post about it on social media, let everyone know"
"I'd rather get revenge"
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"What do you want to do?"
"How can I help with your plans?"
"Do you need advice?"
Everyone has their own understanding of justice and of how to find that long-awaited sense of relief.
Some will say they want to see the abuser in the dock.
For others, it matters to say it out loud and get support from the people most important to them.
Some will want public disclosure to protect others and stop the abuser from freely carrying on with their life.
Some want to tell their story on social media to find people with similar experiences and share those feelings together.
Don't impose your own idea of justice on survivors. Ask what the person needs most right now.
How should you act from here on?
Should you bring up the subject?
Never use what you know about your loved one's experience: don't tell other people about it without permission, don't bring it up during an argument, and don't start a conversation about it out of the blue yourself. These are potentially very triggering situations.
Remember that recovery is not a linear process. Sometimes the survivor wants to come back to the conversation, possibly more than once. Sometimes they don't want to come back to it at all, and that's okay too. Just be there.
What should you do if you feel you can't give the support the survivor is counting on?
Hearing that someone you love has experienced sexualized violence can be very hard. Anger, panic, helplessness, bitterness and pain are understandable and normal reactions: you are worried about someone close to you.
But you shouldn't show all of your feelings to the survivor, so that they don't end up having to calm and support you. If you want to be a source of support, check in with yourself first. Are you calm?
Do you have enough strength and resources right now to listen and help? If you are struggling to cope with your own feelings and need help, make sure you get it for yourself.
You can reach out to the Sisters Center. We help both survivors and their loved ones.
☎️ 8-499-901-0201 (Mon–Sat, 10:00 to 20:00)
📩 online@sisters-help.ru
Sisters
