How to accept compliments
Not every compliment feels good. Why some praise makes us uncomfortable, which compliments are appropriate, and how to accept or turn them down.
How to accept compliments
It would seem that we pay compliments to make another person feel good. But not all compliments are appropriate. We look into this together with a psychologist.
"Give yourself time to assess the situation. Is the compliment appropriate? Was it said in a relevant context?"
A compliment feels unpleasant. Why?
People often want to say something nice because they want to praise and encourage you, but their words end up in a "grey zone" and can cause awkwardness, embarrassment, even shame.
The reasons:
- The compliment is inappropriate
- Your relationship with your self-esteem
Let's figure it out.
A good compliment. What is it like?
1. It praises your achievements and the results of your work.
2. It is said at the right moment.
For example, you gave a great talk at a meeting, and a colleague says the presentation was fire. Especially the part where ____. Now that's a compliment.
An inappropriate compliment. What is it like?
1. It praises something that is NOT the result of your own actions.
2. It is said OUT of context.
For example, you gave a great talk at a meeting, and a colleague says: "I noticed what beautiful eyes you have."
And it doesn't matter that you spent three weeks preparing the presentation. You feel that your efforts have been devalued. A compliment like that is inappropriate, which is why it stirs up unpleasant emotions.
Compliments on appearance are a separate topic. It's worth being especially careful with them.
When it's appropriate to compliment someone's looks
1. You are in a context where mentioning appearance is natural.
For example, you are in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with the person. It's perfectly natural if your partner admires more about you than just your sharp mind.
2. You have a close relationship or any other kind of trusting relationship.
Such relationships are built on respect, and words about appearance won't make the person think that their looks are all you're interested in.
3. You compliment someone's style or makeup, knowing they put work into it.
4. Other specific situations.
For example, an artist or a plastic surgeon may compliment someone's appearance. We will most likely take their words calmly, because there will be no sexual subtext in them.
It's important to remember that you should only accept the compliments that bring you genuine joy and that you agree with inside. If a compliment stirs up other feelings, it's better not to accept it.
How to accept a compliment
Smile and say: "Thank you for noticing and for telling me. It means a lot to me and it's incredibly nice to hear." If it's appropriate, you can hug the person.
How not to accept a compliment
Give yourself time to assess the situation. Is the compliment appropriate? Was it said in a relevant context?
Not accepting a compliment
If you have the energy
Explain which compliments you enjoy and which you don't.
For example: "Thank you for telling me, but what I really enjoyed hearing about was ____"
"Thank you for telling me, and what I value is that I did/managed to ____"
If you don't have the energy
Reply with a neutral "Thank you."
Imagine someone gives you a fridge magnet. You can take it and say "Thank you", but not stick it on your fridge. The bin is just around the corner.
What if it's about self-esteem? Is it all bad?
Not at all. It's a common situation, and therapy can help you work through it. One post can't solve the issue, much as we'd like it to :)
If you have the energy to work on it yourself
Start with an exercise: write down the traits and areas of your life you'd like to hear compliments about. That will be one column; in the second, write down what you don't like hearing. This is your starting point.
