Autism & sex and relationships

These are people whose nervous system works in a particular way. Autism can only be identified by behaviour, not by appearance. It shows up as an atypical communication style, differences in sensory perception, and restricted, repetitive and inflexible patterns of behaviour and interests. It is a lifelong condition that cannot be outgrown or cured.

Autistic people are often infantilised and seen as “eternal children”. But autistic people also fall in love, have sex, can build relationships and get married.

Yes, it is. But people with autism more often prefer partners with autism.

I think this is partly related to the double empathy theory, according to which communication works better between autistic people. Personally, I see more acceptance, support and understanding among autistic people.

However, there are exceptions among non-autistic people too. The most important thing is that everyone feels comfortable.

Make the signs of flirting more “noticeable”. For example, say it out loud: “I'm flirting with you right now.” This makes flirting easier to understand. And pay attention to the autistic person's responses. It's important to be flexible and attentive.

The main principle: put non-verbal signs of attention into words. Over time, as partners get used to each other, there will be less and less need to voice the flirting.

It may seem like this kills the romance, but done well it actually builds trust and sounds pleasant, maybe even arousing.

Take their traits into account and respect them. Find out how the autistic person feels about different kinds of touch, smells, light, sounds and other sensory input.

Talk about your own boundaries too. It's important to learn to tell each other about your wishes, comfort and discomfort. Don't be shy about asking directly and discussing even things that seem obvious to everyone.

We are often not good at hints, flirting and reading between the lines. So add more clarity to your communication.

In sex, consent and caring for your health are a must: remember about safety and get tested on time.

As transparently as possible. Avoid metaphors and exaggerations. An autistic person can be very sensitive to arguments, especially to accusations, shouting and insults. These should definitely be avoided.

It's better to name negative emotions directly and use “I-statements”. For example: “I'm angry right now because…”, and then talk it through.

Even better, clearly say in advance what you don't like. That way you may manage to avoid many arguments.

When it comes to everyday life, it can be very different. Some will insist on perfect order (from their point of view), while others, on the contrary, find it hard to keep things tidy. Executive function may also be affected: organisation, planning actions, prioritising tasks. Sometimes housework comes at the expense of work, or the other way round: work at the expense of housework. You can't know in advance what to prepare for until you get to know the person better.

If you plan to live together, it's better to get there in small steps. First, simply spend time together to get used to each other. Be sure to agree in advance how you'll prepare for living together. It's better to avoid sudden surprises and not to violate each other's boundaries.

Emotional detachment is not always characteristic of people with ASD. Also, autistic people's reactions are often misinterpreted: it seems like one thing, but it's actually another. So first it's important to understand the reason for the secretiveness.

In any relationship, reciprocity matters. If you're already taking many steps towards the other person but getting nothing in return, think about whether you really need this. But if your partner is responsive enough and there are communication difficulties, you can work on them in small steps. But with joint effort.