Sexual messages we grew up with

We once ran a poll in Purpur's Telegram channel and found out that only 5% of people had parents who talked openly about sex. For most, the topic was taboo. Or sex was mentioned only in passing, without any specifics.

For many parents, talking about sex isn't easy. Some of us were asked as children to close our eyes during a sex scene in a film; others were scared with early pregnancy. Often that was where the topic of sex ended.

Our parents' opinions, attitudes and views are the system we took as the basis for how the world works. Only once we grow up can we step away from it and form our own. And this is a very important step: re-examining what we inherited.

Have you ever thought about which messages about the body and sexuality you grew up with?

"The main thing is not to get pregnant"

Sex is associated with danger, yet there is no accessible information about how to protect yourself. So everything to do with sex ends up causing tension rather than pleasure. And the dangers of sexualised violence are not discussed.

Another angle:

Sex is connected with the possibility of having children, and that calls for a responsible approach. Safety in sexual relationships comes from respect for bodily boundaries, mutual consent to any action and mutual attraction: these are the essential conditions of such relationships.

"A good relationship and a successful life should have lots of sex"

In this paradigm, sex is a kind of metric you strive for. It seems there is some notional norm, and if we don't meet it, we consider ourselves "wrong". Behind this, we lose focus on our real needs and sensations, and on what role we give sex in our lives right now.

Another angle:

What matters is that sex brings us joy and pleasure. Sex is not a quantitative target to hit but a form of relationship between people. Our lives and relationships go through different periods; the body changes and copes with different loads. And sex may also simply not be of interest, and that's okay too.

"An active sex life is for young, attractive people"

This idea is about treating a person as an object. As if we were talking about a car: "low mileage, brake pads intact, leather seats, worth buying". Behind the focus on outward attractiveness, the main thing gets lost: the person themselves. You don't need to be a certain size or shape to enjoy sex.

Another angle:

It's important to know your body and to explore what arouses you and your own sensitivity. The ability to feel pleasure from sex is a property of our body; it is always with us.

Sexuality is not granted to us from outside, and it does not end when we reach any particular age.

Sex and sexuality are overloaded with cultural beliefs and expectations, and amid them it's easy to ignore yourself and your needs.

We can rethink the beliefs we grew up with. Explore our bodies and desires. Build sexual relationships in which we feel good, comfortable and safe.