Sex diary: struggling to say "no" and the week before

I've been in a relationship for a little over a year. And for a little over six months I've wanted to get out of it))

This is a diary about how sex feels to a person who is constantly full of doubts, indecision and a sense of helplessness.

Yes, I really should finally take responsibility for my life. I'm starting with small steps.

What was the plan? Work hard, and in the evening spend some quality time with myself: tidy my desk, do some drawing and rewatch the second season of "Bridgerton".

What actually happened? Worked hard.

At the end of the workday my partner calls: "I miss you, can I come over?"

Thoughts in my head: no, you wanted to be alone

Words on my tongue: yes, of course, come over

Damn, at my next session with my therapist I'll have to admit again that I still have problems with "no".

My partner came over and hugged me a lot. We had a small falling-out about him texting with his female friends. I'm hurt again, but I think I said it out loud and we sorted everything out fine. But once again it's looming: "we're not on the same path". Almost right in the middle of this falling-out he started hugging me again, and the whole thing moved into sex. It was nice, which has been rare lately. We fell asleep in each other's arms.

In the morning we went to his place. He had friends over. I hadn't slept enough and fell asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day. As I was falling asleep, all sorts of fantasies crept into my head. I often fall asleep thinking about sex.

I woke up and my partner was next to me. I wanted to bring my fantasies to life. But the same friends were on the other side of the wall. I just can't accept the idea of sex while there are people anywhere nearby. My partner gently asked the guys if they'd like to go for a walk. I think they got the picture and left.

We smoothly drifted towards sex. This time with a bit of role-play and talking. I realised I really love this: changing the circumstances and our roles, coming up with scenarios and saying them out loud.

This time we intuitively started acting like "just friends". And then these "just friends" had sex, twice, in fact. Fun)

Towards morning my partner started hugging me. This annoys me because it wakes me up. And I love getting enough sleep. When I ask him not to do it, he gets hurt. And here's my problem with saying "no" to someone again. And only I can solve it, sigh ((

Morning hugs from my partner aren't always just hugs. Often he presses up against me and starts gently touching me. And I wake up and it drives me mad that I've been woken up. That's why we very rarely have sex in the morning. Plus, I almost never want sex in the morning. This time was the same, so I helped my partner out with my hand and my kisses. Lately I've started to think that when I'm not in the mood, not only sex but also sex-adjacent things irritate me and put me off.

Later that same day, closer to evening, sex did happen after all. At my partner's initiative. All day he "really wanted me", direct quote)) I didn't really, and he suggested we just cuddle. Yeah, right)) In the end there was long foreplay, very gentle, with pleasant gradual touches, and sex no longer seemed like such a bad idea.

My partner stayed at his place, I stayed at mine. I masturbated before bed; it helps me fall asleep. Although I don't like that all my masturbation is with a vibrator. Sex almost always involves a vibrator too. I can feel it, both in my gut and physically, that I'm losing sensitivity.

Stress at work from the morning. I text my partner to share. His reply: "well, don't just sit there, do something".

The eternal problem between partners: one just wants emotional support, the other offers solutions nobody asked for. I'm in no mood at all.

Today it crossed my mind: my partner has my nudes on his phone. What if he shows them to someone if I suggest we break up? For some reason this thought wouldn't let go of me all day.

We made up. I think I even want to see him. He promised to come over in the evening after work. I'm waiting. All kinds of fantasies even crept in. I want kisses and sex, I'm waiting for the evening.

The evening came. Overall everything's fine, but... Something's off. Probably my thoughts about breaking up weigh on me so much that I see something bad in every gesture and glance.

By the way, he came from a walk with the female friend he'd been texting. I feel like I suspect him of everything, although in my previous relationships I never noticed this kind of jealousy in myself. It makes me kind of sad, but I still want sex, and it happened.

Whatever else, my partner is great at sex) I think he's got used to me and can feel what I like and what I don't.

In the morning I sat down to work; my partner woke up closer to lunchtime. Sweet kisses, then I sit back down at the computer.

I can sense he's hinting at sex, but I simply don't have time. Working remotely doesn't mean I'm in some kind of "lite" mode. My partner sort of says "okay", but his mood instantly switches from cheerful to gloomy.

I feel guilty, I even asked him a few times what was wrong. No answer came, and he went back to his place.

In the evening he came over to my place. We'd agreed on a walk and a cafe. His mood is bad again, he's silent for almost our entire "date", and I feel sad.

As soon as we end up in bed, his mood picks up. And not only his mood.

I'm still sad, but he gives me such an amazing, wonderful massage that I agree to sex. And then I immediately stop it. I think that's the first time in my whole life I've done that.

UPD: We broke up over the weekend.