Sex diary: the image in her head and kissing with braces

Yesterday Mr. A. suddenly texted me. "Suddenly" because I treat every time we're together as the last one. Because it's insanely f*cking amazing, as if this kind of thing doesn't happen. And at the same time, we don't match on a lot of things in sex. But he somehow manages to work around it very delicately, and afterwards I end up insanely happy.

He's my first sexual partner with whom it feels like we're one body shared between two. Fairly slim, he becomes insanely big, and I sink into him completely, and I feel his hands at the same time embracing all of me, going all the way in, and with every time going in harder, deeper.

We're sitting in a completely "third" apartment (it just so happens we both live with our parents). And suddenly, mid-conversation, he stops and says: "I've never kissed a girl with braces." And it made me jump right away, because I got mine less than a month ago and had been dreaming of trying to kiss with them. Spoiler: it feels exactly the same as without them)) one to one, you don't feel them at all.

Those were the most long-awaited kisses. The softest. He strokes my hair, takes my face in his palms, and in that moment you want to die so that it never ends.

This morning, for the first time, I was coming home not with the feeling of being in love, but with a feeling of my own f*cking awesomeness.

I've turned the universe around so well that now the circumstances I choose choose me a step faster.

Best boy, best sex. I adore it

Thinking about A. all day. About us yesterday. I'm still too shy to tell him straight out how much I liked everything. He asks, and I just say "yes," and that's it. His energy is wild, and his gaze makes me lose it instantly!! I smile back, and my heart drops. I spent half the day thinking about how to put it across not from a feeling that something was left unsaid, but from lightness. But I can only speak from lightness with people I'm not in love with like this, with a falling heart. And that's not great. As if there's some weakness in me, and he somehow hooks onto it.

All day some guy from a dating site has been texting me. He wants sexting, and I'm not in the mood. I tried to say so, but everything kept coming back to "what positions do you like." And I like it when people don't write about that kind of thing right off the bat.

In the evening A. texted!! He suggested meeting up, but my daughter has come to visit, and for the next few days I'll be only with her. I wrote my "no" (not without regrets) and added, once again, thanks for the night, how f*cking amazing he is and how f*cking amazing I am thanks to these sensations. He replied that it's amazing with me for him too. Going to sleep with a sense of completeness, one of the most wonderful feelings in adult life))

For the second day a guy with the same name as my ex has been texting me (it's not that rare a name, but still)). I look at his photos: not my type, but cute enough for a date. I agreed to go for a walk in the evening.

He brought a tiny bouquet of flowers!! Really tiny, just right for a walk. And that's such a wow!!! The shortest way to my little heart)) We both showed up in leather biker jackets, such a match! I felt some kind of vibe between us, until he started talking.

He talked about his ex. The whole date. And about himself. I'm a good listener, but sometimes there are dates where the person talks only about themselves, asks nothing and interrupts. That kills everything on the spot.

We spent the evening over dinner and wine. For the first time I feel like I'm really being courted!! Restaurant, dinner, wine, taxi. And all of it with the caveat that it doesn't oblige me to anything! And that makes it even sadder that we don't match. At all, in any way. We said goodbye, I got home and wrote a farewell "thank you! it was great, but unfortunately..."

I have a certain image in my head. The image of a person who is "the one." Quite detailed, especially in looks, and quite unusual. And I'm constantly scared that it's just my fantasy. That this particular kind of person will never happen in my life. And every time I give myself a chance at something else.

At the same time, I realise that this time I don't want to settle for less. I don't want to betray this dream of mine: to share my life with exactly that kind of person. With a billion relationships of varying strength and one divorce behind me, I want the next "serious time" to be forever.

For some reason the phrase "don't betray your dream" is usually used about work, career, where to live and all that. I want to put relationships on the same level. Let it be my choice: not to settle for less.

I accidentally found out that the guy from work I've liked for a long time is sleeping with my colleague. Of course we don't owe each other anything, but it feels f*cking awful.

I really want a serious relationship. I keep catching myself thinking that I'd like constant physical contact. I want to kiss more often than a couple of times a month. I want to hold hands. To feel someone hugging you. I'm tired of jumping back and forth and searching for something; I'm ready for a serious relationship. But there's no suitable person around me, none at all.

They say you need to figure out what you need and go to the places where you can meet that very person. And I already go to exactly those places. Because I can picture what my partner should be like, what he should love and how he should have fun. But so far I haven't met anyone even remotely like that. So more and more often it seems to me that I'll live my whole life just me and my daughter. I'll be like those YouTube moms with grown-up kids, filming videos about a beautiful, free life.

But I still want love.

Today I'm going to a cafe with my girlfriends, and I decided to walk there. On the way I passed the building where 10 years ago I almost rented an apartment. I was dating a boy I was madly in love with back then. For a year and a half, every single day, I felt that I loved him more than the day before. I've never felt anything like it, before or since.

It was our first experience of moving out of our parents' homes to live together with a partner. And of course, with the first apartment we looked at, we got scammed out of money. We arrived at the place, nobody opened the door for us or picked up the phone.

So we went to some little bar across the street. And suddenly, for the first time, we had sex not in bed but right there, in the bathroom. I don't like that kind of thing, but this was somehow really special. He turned me around sharply and quietly said, "everything will be fine." If I had a physiological penis, it would get hard from those words alone. The sexiest thing in a partner is feeling safe next to them. I still remember those black-and-white bathroom walls, how cramped it was, and the two of us. As if it wasn't sex, but an act of saying: here we are. There are two of us.

It was a completely different life. One with a happy, serious relationship.

Today Mr. A. again looked at me like it was the last time. He made me coffee and took my hand: "Wait, let me try it. Tasty." I can't stop thinking about how much I want to spend an evening together again.

It drives me mad that when little affairs start up at our work, they're carefully hidden. God forbid anyone finds out!! I don't want it that way. Even if we just sleep together "on special occasions," that doesn't mean I can't flirt in front of everyone. Neither of us has a partner outside work, and I don't see anything terrible in everyone knowing there's something between us. But I can't bring it up either. As if I'd be making the whole thing serious. As if I were in love.

And in my head, "being in love" means being weak. It means thinking about it constantly and hoping. Getting upset when you don't get yet another confirmation that you're interesting. That's probably what anxious attachment is. A year ago there was even more of it, and now I try harder to shift my focus to other things. Though it only sounds simple coming from psychologists: "shift your focus to other priorities." In reality it's huge, huge work every day.

Mr. A. caught me on the stairs while I was walking to my desk, and hugged me. We stood there like schoolkids, asking each other how things were. And then: I adore these braces kisses! As if you have something unusual disguised as something completely ordinary. I hold his hands, his face, and we become one again. Time ran so fast, and I wanted to stop it so badly I could have cried. To stay a bit longer right here, in the hall between departments, which within these walls had suddenly become a place where you can kiss.

I let go of his hands. He says, "Have a good day at work"

I turn around and leave

In the evening, on my way home, I stopped by to say goodbye. And he suggested spending the evening together. Suddenly. It felt like I couldn't feel the floor.

Just to spend time. Simply, without sex or alcohol. Just to be together.

The circumstances I choose choose me a step faster. I adore it.