Sex diary: his abstinence and the return of horny vibes

Woke up slightly aroused and enjoyed the feeling. It didn't last long, but it was still a pleasant sign after the past couple of weeks.

For a while now I've been turning over in my head how much I've grown mentally over the last few months when it comes to living through breakups and/or unrequited feelings.

Where before, a day later I'd rush to dating apps in an urgent search for a band-aid person (having promised myself the night before not to do it), now I'm waiting for my cuts to heal on their own, and doing everything I can for that without involving third parties (well, except my therapist). And those hypothetical third parties probably wouldn't enjoy playing the role of a band-aid (or rather, serving that function).

If I do go back to dating, it definitely won't be in the state I'm in now: since I've finally seen myself in a romantic partnership, be so kind as to clear your head of your previous object of love or infatuation.

Otherwise you risk discovering at some fine (or not so fine) moment that the new person was a band-aid all along, and now that the cut has healed, you no longer need the band-aid. Do either of us need that?

And I didn't go to the pool today because I ate too many berries 🫠

Having taken a vow of abstinence from sex, I decided to experiment with sensitivity: at some point mine dropped so much that the stimulation I get from masturbation became hard to replicate during partnered sex.

The experiment included cutting masturbation down to once a week and giving up porn in favour of fantasies, to free my brain from the link "watching videos = satisfaction".

And the cherry on top is masturbating with a condom on: the idea is that the "wrong" sensations should become the "right" ones again, and stimulation without a condom (during a blowjob, for example) should feel more intense. And of course the lube flows like a river here.

This morning I added something new for me: asphyxiation. It wasn't planned, pure improvisation. How did it happen?

When I masturbate, I'm pretty good at fantasising about sex with people I not only haven't had sex with, but may never even have met in person.

I remembered a profile on a dating app that I came across back in February (feel free to compliment my memory), where a stunningly beautiful woman had the phrase "velvet femdom" in her description. And that, as it happens, is one of my long-standing fantasies (although in real life I prefer to be the dominant one), so it turned me on back then just as it did today. But today even more intensely.

While masturbating, at some point I started imagining that she, either sitting on my penis or holding it in her hands, wouldn't let me breathe, and I held my breath after inhaling. Interesting sensations, but not quite it: when you swim, holding your breath is unlikely to surprise you.

After catching my breath a little, I imagined her sitting on my chest with her back to me, giving me a hand job or a blowjob, while her toes are in my mouth (funny, since I'm not even a foot fetishist). I tried changing the mechanics and held my breath after exhaling, and that was a completely different feeling! The movie in my head switched to the next scene: she's sitting on my penis again and covering my mouth and nose with her hands, while my hands are cuffed to the headboard, so I'm completely in her power.

All of this turned me on so much that the final round lasted about fifteen seconds. I didn't expect such a quick orgasm (remember the condom and the generous amount of lube). I can't say it was super intense, but more than an hour has passed since then and I still feel a kind of pleasant bliss and "aftertaste".

P.S. I wonder what she actually meant by "velvet femdom"?

Once again I didn't catch any horny vibes or spontaneous desire for sex today, but I didn't stress about it anymore either. That can only be good news, because this kind of thing takes quite a lot of energy, and now I can feel it gradually being restored.

The unrequited-feelings story also seems close to letting me go (at least I hope so, because there were no flashbacks bringing on sadness and longing all day either).

For the second evening in a row I've gone to the pool after almost a month's break (funny: I thought I'd only skipped swimming for a couple of weeks; no wonder my libido crashed). Yesterday I swam 1.5 km, today 2.1. I feel amazing, and it looks like the hypothesis about an incomplete stress cycle was spot on. Let's see what tomorrow and the following days bring.

There's a sensual party coming up on Saturday, and I'm really curious how I'll feel there this time.

I'm not planning to break my abstinence, but I really want to spend some time aroused by touch and hot conversations 🌝

Today I woke up aroused again, and not just slightly but quite properly. And if I hadn't had to get up for errands, I could have lain there for a long time giving in to fantasies that seem to be regaining their former vividness and heat.

I fantasised about the "velvet femdom" woman again, but this time a different scenario unfolded in my head (perhaps even hotter than the asphyxiation one). I don't remember ever practising femdom with anyone (in spanking, which I tenderly love, for example, I prefer to be the top), but it does sometimes find its way into my imagination.

In today's fantasy I let my imaginary dominatrix into the sacred and untouchable zone of most men: the prostate. My brain again pictured my hands cuffed to the headboard. She generously coats my anus and a Satisfyer prostate vibrator with lube. Inserts it into me and turns it on.

Then I remember that her profile listed anal sex among her turn-ons, and my imagination immediately pictures her putting a condom on my penis, pouring lube on it too, and then, sitting on top of me, guiding it into her anus. Mutual anal is surely a very intense sensual experience. I don't know if I'll be ready to try something like that in real life, but I know for sure what I'll be fantasising about during my next masturbation 🌝

All in all, prostate massage is something I'd like to try in real life too, but without elements of domination, because care matters most here. So all that's left is to find a partner with whom there's enough intimacy and trust.

As you can see, the horny vibes are slowly (or even a bit faster) coming back to me.