Sex diary: her vulnerable sex

Today I handed in my resignation and slipped into an "as free as a bird" state. The city in July, talking about a vacation with K, a feeling of freedom and certainty that everything will be fine. It relaxed me a lot. The anxiety of the past few days is gone.

In the evening we went down to the waterfront, sat on a pontoon that rocked gently on the water, and kissed. We chatted about everything and remembered that over the weekend we'd been discussing sex swings with friends. I admitted I didn't really picture what that looks like. In the end we watched sex-swing porn right there on the waterfront (with the sound off, of course). I got turned on. I wanted to go home.

After dinner in front of Ted Lasso, I firmly announced that I didn't want to watch another episode and spend time on it that we could be spending together (I'm a morning person, I crash between midnight and 1 a.m.). In the bedroom we remembered the sex swings again. We put on porn. I think there was a whole sex hammock in it.

During sex I realized how much I had missed K. We see each other every day and fall asleep together almost every night, there's a lot of touch between us, but there isn't always time and energy left for sex. At the start of the relationship we fucked 3-4 times a week; half a year in, it happens 1-2 times a week. It's not as if that feels like a shortage to me. I have time to get hungry, and I think it even benefits the quality of the sex.

As always, sex with K came with squirting. Squirting is a great thing, with one catch: mine is too abundant and quickly washes away both my own natural lubrication and the lube. Today I thought that there must be other people in the world whose bodies work the same way, and there must be some life hacks. I should look on forums.

I fell asleep relaxed, blissed out and happy.

I love waking up a couple of hours before the alarm and lazing in bed. Especially when K is next to me. Morning touch — that's me all over. K is a night owl but lets me hug and stroke them while they sleep. I consider that incredible luck.

Later I woke K up my favorite way: barely touching their back with my fingertips. I love this practice, K's back, the reaction to my touch. Sometimes I think it's even more intimate than "classic" sex.

The day was very full, and I started to crash even before midnight, halfway through an episode of Ted Lasso. K was especially tender and passionate all day. I drifted off to kisses on my neck. I felt myself melting in K's arms. I don't know what gave me a bigger high: the physical sensations or the realization that I am loved and wanted. I also caught a slight feeling of guilt that I couldn't fully respond to K.

I spent almost the whole day at K's place. In the morning: sleepy stroking and kisses. K even responded through their sleep. My body reacted so obviously to a single touch on my stomach that K had to add a disclaimer that it was still a bit early for sex. Yes, it's sometimes a letdown when I'm in the mood for sex in the morning, totally relaxed after sleep, while K's energy wakes up at night. Good thing there are still evenings... and remote work.

During the day I was at my screen almost the whole time. Then I came over to lounge around with K. We cuddled and chatted. The conversation ended with K's suggestion: "get me off with your hand." We managed it 10 minutes before my Zoom call. After it, we carried on. It was tender, lazy sex, lots of kisses and quiet "yes"es. This time there was no penetration and no squirting. I felt like melted butter. Usually I like to feel "thoroughly f*cked," but today I'd describe my state as "caressed." Satisfied, but with a slight feeling of hunger.

Having sex in daylight is something for gourmets. The pleasure of touch is layered on top of visual delight.

I don't know why it turns out that we mostly fuck in the dark or in half-light with the curtains closed. I hope we'll make up for it on vacation.

We bought a big pack (30 pieces) of adult bed pads at a supermarket. Let there be squirting. We're placing bets on how long it'll last. K's bet is a few months, mine is a month.

Woke up at 8, stroked K, got more turned on than I'd planned (I hadn't planned to at all). Fell asleep.

In the afternoon we drove to the bay with the dog. We found a cozy spot among the trees, perfect for sex on a blanket. Maybe one day we'll actually make it happen.

In the morning I checked my period-tracking app and realized ovulation day is coming up. That explains why I've been getting turned on so quickly and so strongly these past few days. I've also noticed that lately I get a special high from kisses on the lips. I'm walking the line between tenderness and passion.

In the afternoon K and I had a misunderstanding. We didn't fight, but some tension remained. Plans for the evening were unclear. It felt very scary and vulnerable, but I wrote: "I want to spend tonight with you, do you?"

In the end we spent the evening together, and then at night K suddenly had to leave on business. I was a little upset but quickly came to terms with it. Sometimes, to strengthen emotional intimacy, you have to sacrifice physical intimacy. And I know we'll have many more tender nights together.

The weekend went by without sex, which is unusual. But overall it's fine. I realized that in a relationship it's important not just to take the initiative, but to do it at the right moment. Not to be shy, not to think you'll be judged for your desires. Just share what you want in the moment. The worst thing that can happen is that you'll hear no. But most of the time K says yes to me. The bonus is K's delight at my attention. I used to hold myself back a lot (bad past experiences with taking the initiative); I was more afraid of being pushed away than embarrassed. But with K I'm getting used to the idea that I have nothing to fear, I can be myself.

In the evening we watched 9½ Weeks in bed (I'd never seen it and wanted to get acquainted with the classic). I asked what K would like. "I want you to turn me on." The perfect answer. The film was distracting and pulled attention onto itself a bit, but I wanted to keep it on as a pleasant background. Looking at it from 2023, of course, I have plenty of questions for the filmmakers and about its romanticizing of abusive relationships. But that doesn't cancel out the beauty of the scenes.

I suggested we watch Last Tango in Paris sometime. Sex scenes in films and books turn me on, even in stories that are obviously unhealthy. I'll have to accept that fact. I hope they won't kick me out of the feminists for it.

K and I have been together for 7 months, and I still can't get enough of our sex. After all, my previous relationship really set me back in terms of sexuality and self-acceptance. With K, though, everything is completely different, and I'm recovering fast.

Today we didn't have much time. I wanted more, but K had to leave for a meeting. I knew about it in advance, so there was no disappointment. I like building up an appetite. With K I don't worry about how often we have sex. Because even when we don't have time to fuck, I have no doubt that I'm wanted. Through touches, messages, jokes, glances. I don't know how long this will last; I'm just getting used to being happy here and now.