Sex diary: abstinence and unrequited love

Well hello, reader of my sex notes. First, let me give you some context: I'm now in the middle of the fifth month of my conscious abstinence.

The last time I had sex was March 20, and the last time I went on a dating app was (I think) February 16. In that time I've realised that one-night stands and friends with benefits no longer suit me, and I've started wanting something closer and more stable.

Somewhere around the second month, sublimation entered the chat, and I felt more energy and inner resources than I had for at least two years, maybe longer.

Work, music, sport and my social life all took off. I also felt how much more easily aroused and sensitive I'd become: hugging people I was attracted to literally sent electricity through me.

In the third month of abstinence, I fell in love for the first time in a long while. So much so that I no longer wanted to be with anyone but Her. An amazing feeling that can't be compared to anything. A burning mix of romantic and erotic fantasies, and for the whole of the next month She was their only heroine.

Abstinence + falling in love = probably the most vivid and arousing fantasies of my entire life.

But it turned out to be unrequited, and she didn't see me as a partner. Her rejection was like a dozen knives to the heart, but you can't make someone love you. After a while on the emotional rollercoaster, we made a conscious decision to take a break from talking so that I could pull up this anchor and stop surrounding myself with illusions. Tomorrow it will be a week since we decided that. Hooray, the context is set.

Right now I think I'm depressed. Not as a diagnosis, but as one of the stages of acceptance.

I feel a massive slump in my inner resources: the restless drive that kept me going for the past few months seems to have evaporated, the ease with which I managed absolutely everything is gone, and the horny vibe that stayed with me from waking up to lights out has eaten its fill and gone to sleep.

And it's that horny vibe, intoxicating and uplifting, that I miss most of all. That and the head-spinning fantasies, which are also in hibernation for now.

I can't wait to start waking up again from that burning desire that wakes you long before the alarm and won't let you fall back asleep. But first, it seems, this has to let go of me, and I have to let go.

I spent the whole first half of the day feeling low. I usually get up early to meditate, exercise, shower and have breakfast, but today I just had neither the energy nor the desire.

Today was the peak of living through my unrequited love and the heaviness of our temporary silence. I drew so much energy from that state, and now there's a vacuum in its place, and I feel completely unfocused.

With all this going on, my libido is close to zero, if not at zero.

For now I'm completely outside any sexual context: hot fantasies no longer hit me at random moments, there wasn't a single spontaneous erection all day, nudes in sex-positive chats don't turn me on, and I don't really feel like taking any myself, even though my archive has been due for an update for a while.

In short, for now we're living sex-free and really looking forward to getting back into 'always horny' shape, because in that state you feel like a killer cyborg.

Or maybe not always, but the feeling of a wave of arousal rolling in is something truly magnificent.

Today I'm much more upbeat than yesterday. I seem to have more energy, which is definitely a good thing (at least it was enough to wrap up all my work tasks before my vacation). But I'm still a long way from getting back to sexual vibes.

You'd think: it's summer, the season of revealing outfits with bare shoulders and legs, and nipples peeking through on women who don't wear bras. And at the same time it's the fifth month of my sexual abstinence, plus I've cut masturbation down to once a week at most. Get aroused all you want! But damn, I don't want to. After fantasising so long and so vividly about one single woman, my brain refuses to get aroused by anyone else.

On the other hand, it's interesting to watch how things that used to trigger sexual arousal now bring only aesthetic pleasure. I'm certainly going through a curious period.

Today I was reading a book about sex while travelling. In many places I caught myself thinking it must have been inspired by Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are (although I'm almost a third of the way in and she hasn't been mentioned once).

I remembered one important idea that runs like a thread through almost all of Nagoski's book: an incomplete stress response cycle can seriously affect libido for the worse.

And that raised a question: is my cycle complete? Maybe my desire has hit rock bottom precisely because it isn't?

Well then, tomorrow evening is free, so I'll go to the pool for a couple of hours to ~~dredge my sexuality up from the bottom~~ complete the cycle.