I'm always drawn to the same type of man, but I want a family
Tell me your type, and I'll tell you what you'd bring to a psychologist: two psychologists answer a reader's question.
I'm always drawn to the same type of man, but I want a family
Tell me what your type is, and I'll tell you what you'd bring to a psychologist 👀
This turned out to be such a tricky topic that we asked two psychologists to answer at once: a clinical psychologist and a psychoanalytic psychologist.
Spoiler: there are more questions than answers. Forward this to that one friend.
Wishing everyone meaningful self-exploration, a well-tuned inner compass and echpochmaks.
I'm always drawn to the same type of man: easygoing, fun, not wanting anything serious.
But I want to build a relationship, I want a family. What do I do about this?
Two psychologists are typing…
A clinical psychologist and practicing existential-humanistic psychotherapist answers
You'd like to choose some other kind of men, ones you could build a family with — that's how I hear this request.
When your actions contradict your real desires, it's worth exploring the unconscious reasons that may be protecting you from what seems desirable.
Any exploration can begin with the question: "Why now, exactly?"
What do you think is the reason the question of choosing a man to start a family with has come up so clearly at this moment in your life? Was it preceded by some event? (Not necessarily a major one: sometimes even minor events strongly affect your current state.) Perhaps a conversation with friends, parents or someone else came up? Of course, you may have thought about this before, but what have you noticed about yourself lately that led you to conclude you choose men who aren't serious?
Next, I suggest looking at what exactly attracts you to the type of man you described. Easygoing, fun and not serious: how do you feel around them? There's a reason they turn out to be attractive to you. Perhaps the way you feel around them reminds you of something. Listen to that.
Then I suggest reflecting on how you picture the men you could build a family with. Here I start to fantasize: would they be the opposite type? Heavy, sad, but serious-minded? How exactly do you put it? How are they different from the men you choose now: do they have something, or on the contrary lack something? Do they behave differently toward you?
I'd also include questions about your expectations and ideas about building a family. You said you want to build a relationship (yes, a relationship really does have to be built). What do you mean by that? For you, does building a relationship involve some kind of limitations or some kind of tension? How did your past relationships go? Have you noticed similarities in the scenarios of your relationships?
Explore what meanings you put into the idea of family. How do you see yourself as a family person? Will your relationships with other people, with relatives, with yourself change? How?
The request gives rise to a whole range of questions that help you get to the heart of the problem by looking at it from different angles.
Answering the question "What do I do?", I'd suggest not stigmatizing your choice of certain men and not rushing to "cure" it, but trying to treat it as an encrypted map holding the richest knowledge about yourself, and starting to explore it. It's impossible to say exactly what your reason is and recommend an exercise to "fix" it. You already have all the right answers, but you need to find your way to them. The questions above are only the beginning, but they can help get that process going.
A psychoanalytic psychologist answers
Hidden in the wording is a belief that "easygoing and fun" men don't want anything serious, while those who want a family and kids are dreary, stuffy, boring schlubs you could never spontaneously run off with to another city for the weekend to eat echpochmaks just because you felt like it.
So it's worth exploring:
✦ How did this belief form?
Maybe it's connected to your past experience or to stereotypes you absorbed while growing up.
✦ What family model did you have in childhood?
And how has your idea of family changed over the course of your life?
✦ What needs lie behind your choice of "easygoing and fun" partners?
How do you feel around them, what do you get from these relationships? What emotional and psychological needs do you meet in these connections? A need for freedom, for ease, or for avoiding responsibility?
✦ What happens when you meet husband material?
Do fears and doubts come up? Or maybe you just don't feel the emotional connection and lightness that matter so much to you?
Try to imagine an ideal picture of a partner and of your relationship with him, where both needs are met: for lightness and for stable attachment.
This will help you understand what you're really looking for and tune your inner compass to find a person who will share your values and needs.
