You and your parents

Your relationship and roles — and what to do if you want to change them

Everyone knows about teenage rebellion, but it is far from the last crisis in the relationship between parents and children.

When a child grows up and starts living independently, the relationship with the parents has to be rebuilt. From hierarchical and protective, it gradually turns into communication between equals (in an ideal world).

In reality, things can go differently. Let's discuss the three main scenarios.

Parents aren't ready to accept that their child has grown up and needs their care less

Parents barely change their behavior towards you, ignoring your age, financial independence, career achievements and other signs of your self-sufficiency. Communication largely consists of unsolicited advice, lecturing and criticism. As if it rests on the idea that you aren't competent enough to lead an adult life.

What to do?

To start with, figure out how you feel in this relationship. What distance from your parents (not only physical but also emotional) is comfortable for you? Which topics are you ready to discuss with your parents, and which territory are you not ready to let them into? Do you have the strength and desire to actively defend your boundaries in the relationship, or would you rather close off and distance yourself? Both options are perfectly acceptable.

Parents expect a role reversal

Parents want their adult child to take care of them. They may demand that you solve their financial, housing or medical problems. This is not about help and support but about complete control, guidance and care — as if you had become a parent to your parents. If you don't book them a doctor's appointment, mom or dad won't go.

What to do?

Listen to yourself and assess your resources. Does this arrangement suit you? How much time and energy are you ready to spend on taking care of your parents? How does it affect your life? Think about the values that matter to you — what role as an adult child in a parent's life would you want for yourself? What does being a "good" adult daughter or a "good" adult son mean to you? Are your parents capable of taking responsibility for their own lives?

Parents are ready to rebuild the relationship and live full lives of their own

Parents lead a lifestyle that suits them while treating their contact with you with care. You and your parents are autonomous from each other, yet you have points of connection — conversations, get-togethers, things you do together.

What to do?

You can discuss together what frequency and format of meetings suit both you and your parents. What other forms of connection are important to you? What kind of care do you need from your parents, and what would they like to receive from you? The main foundation for this kind of relationship is mutual interest and emotional closeness, not performing certain functions for each other.

"I want to change my relationship with my parents. What do I do?"

If your relationship with your parents doesn't currently look the way you'd like, you can try to rebuild it. The good news: an adult child is a full participant in the relationship who can propose their own rules and communicate their boundaries and comfort.

Where to start? With direct statements about your own feelings and needs.

"I really need your support right now."

"It would be so interesting to talk about how you're doing, not just the news."

The better we understand what we need and what we'd like to get from our parents, the easier it will be to ask for it.

But there is an important limitation: there are two sides in your relationship. And even if you propose something, insist on it or want to change things, the other side may refuse, not want to, or be unable to change. It's impossible to improve a relationship from one side only. Only our own behavior is within our area of responsibility.