Why do people argue more during the holidays?

Sore spots

On ordinary weekdays, with our usual routines and schedules, it's easier for us to steer around difficult topics. During the holidays, avoiding them works less well, because we're in close and prolonged contact with our loved ones.

What to do?

Every family has its own "sore spots". Facing them is hard, but ignoring a problem never solves it. Family days off can be exactly that unhurried time to take an honest look at the topics that get avoided. A slower pace and more free time can become resources for you at this moment.

Time alone

During the holidays, time with family is more intense. Not everyone does well with such a concentrated dose of closeness. We can get tired of the people we love, and that's normal. You may feel irritated because it's harder to be on your own and have some quiet. If you ignore your need for time alone, the irritation can come out in arguments.

What to do?

If you need to be on your own, think about how you can arrange it. Stay home for a while when the rest of the family goes for a walk, or the other way round, go for a walk by yourself. Time alone is an important need. If it's met, you'll get many times more joy out of the time you spend with your loved ones.

Kids

Kids are great, but their boundless energy can be really exhausting at times. On weekdays, daycare, school or a nanny comes to the rescue; during the holidays, kids are usually at home.

What to do?

If you know this kind of tiredness, there's nothing wrong with you. You're normal parents. Think about who could help you during these days. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, nannies: if someone can stay with your kids for a few hours (or days), now's the time to make the most of it and spend time with your partner or on your own.

Making others happy

Yes, you want to see your loved ones smile, to see the joy in their eyes. Out of this wish to please them, we can try really hard without noticing our own fatigue and the growing tension. And if, despite all the effort, it doesn't turn out perfect, disappointment sets in, and that can lead to arguments.

What to do?

The holidays are, first and foremost, a chance to rest. If you're trying very hard for your loved ones but doing it out of duty rather than pleasure, ask yourself: what would happen if you put the same enthusiasm into doing something just for yourself? What if this time you didn't go above and beyond? What would you like for yourself?

Is it even possible to have no conflicts at all?

Yes. But why would you want that?

Conflicts are often seen as something bad.

But what's the reality?

Conflict is an important part of the growth and development of any relationship.

In that moment you come up against disagreements, that is, against how different you are from each other. And that is an honest encounter with your real partner.

Not the one we imagined for ourselves, not the one our partner wanted to appear to be, but the real one.

It's in this encounter that real intimacy becomes possible.

Okay, so how do you argue better?

1. Don't blame each other

Nobody likes being the bad one. If a person is blamed, they'll get defensive. Your goal isn't to find who's at fault, but to understand what's going on in your relationship and what you'd like to change.

2. Talk about yourself, your feelings, your needs

Instead of "You never listen to me!", try:

"It's important to me that you hear me right now. Please pay attention to what I'm going to say."

3. Be honest with yourself first

What exactly do you want from your relationship? What do you need? Then compare that with what you say out loud.