Parenting after divorce: trauma, compromise and trust
We asked a psychologist and sex therapist a few questions about parenting after divorce, and gathered psychological materials you can lean on to get through a difficult period.
Parenting after divorce: trauma, compromise and trust
We asked a psychologist and sex therapist a few questions about parenting after divorce.
It's a difficult topic and there are no universal right answers, but there are psychological materials you can lean on. We revisit them here and use them to help ourselves get through a difficult period.
Does divorce traumatize a child?
Not exactly.
There is a view that what traumatizes is not so much the fact of divorce as the images and beliefs that parents attach to the event and pass on to their children.
Parents' separation becomes especially hard when it comes together with an idealization of the traditional family and with ideas of divorce as a taboo or a personal failure.
Divorce as cooperation
One psychologist studies the phenomenon of the "cooperative divorce" and identifies several behavior styles among divorcing partners.
Depending on the style, ex-partners pursue different goals:
- Creating a stable and supportive environment for the child and promoting their well-being
- Manipulation, covert sabotage and avoiding responsibility
To understand which behavior style describes your situation, ask yourself:
Do the other parent's actions harm the child's life and health?
If, in contact with the other parent, the child is subjected to neglect and other forms of abuse, is abducted, or important information about their health and safety is hidden from you, the disagreements are irreconcilable, and the only solution may be legal distance.
And although there is a romantic illusion that a "good" cooperative divorce is available to everyone who wants it, that is not the case. Sometimes it is better for the parents themselves to keep maximum distance so as not to harm the child.
Because the main task of parents is to act in the interests of the child and of their physical and mental health.
If nothing threatens the child's health and safety, your key focus in the relationship will be
compromises.
Absolute contradictions that rule out any agreement are rarer than disagreements about parenting style. More often than not, you can still agree on how much time the child may spend on gadgets and which after-school activities they attend.
To reach that kind of compromise, you need to separate:
- Your own stance toward your ex-partner
- The child's stance toward your ex-partner
- Your own stance toward the child
If you understand your stance toward the child, then, we'd like to believe, you are aware of your love and your very best intentions toward them.
If you separate your own experience as a partner from your ex-spouse's relationship with the child, you may see that the painful feelings live in the space between the parents, while the child may feel genuinely comfortable with each of you separately.
Altogether, this reflection can bring you to a basic belief that the other parent is good enough and is also sufficiently invested in the child's well-being.
Focus on the positive examples of parenting that each of you sets.
How can you help yourself cope with divorce?
/1/ Psychoeducation and self-reflection.
Learn about the stages of divorce and the difficulties that come with them, and create a safe space for yourself and your child to live through the full range of feelings.
Mediation, family therapy, individual therapy, support groups, books, podcasts: use everything that helps you get through the adjustment.
Try to avoid retraumatization, and don't associate divorce with personal failure, weakness or losing.
How can you help yourself cope with divorce?
/2/ An action plan.
Once you have lived through the acute phase of grief, focus on choosing one of two strategies: to separate or to cooperate.
If you cooperate with your ex-partner, try to draw up a list of specific points and agreements.
They may change, but some degree of order and predictability, especially in the early stages, will help you and your child feel more stable.
When the parents of a shared child separate, it's trekking across rough terrain with no map and no timeline.
Statistically, it's extremely likely to be hard for you.
And while you don't have to be friends with your ex-partner, you do need to trust that you both want the best.
Because it's easier to reach agreements if you deliberately shift the focus from the level of a broken romantic relationship to the level of shared parents of a beloved and vulnerable child.
