When your partner has depression: how to support yourself too

Depression is a disorder that is diagnosed by a doctor. Outwardly it can look like other conditions, and vice versa. Either way, being close to someone in this state is not easy.

Think it over and decide for yourself what kind of help you are ready to give and what kind you are not.

"I suspect my partner has depression and I want to support them. What should I do?"

✦ Share your feelings with your partner.

"I'd really like to understand what you're feeling and what's going on with you. Please tell me."

✦ Ask how you can help.

"I'd really like to support you right now. What can I do?"

✦ You can express your concern and suggest seeing a psychologist, who can refer them to a psychiatrist if needed.

✦ Be there and listen. Don't interrupt; try to understand without trying to change their mind or give advice. Sometimes you can gently offer your own point of view while respecting the person and their feelings.

"I understand it may be hard for you to imagine right now, but I remember when you saw it differently."

Find your option together

A person with depression may find it hard to work out what kind of help they need. Try to pin down specific ways of supporting them together.

That might mean temporarily taking on most of the household chores, helping to find a specialist, pleasant traditions that bring you together, regular talks, walks. Or you can simply be there, taking an interest in the person and in what is happening to them.

Rescuer vs helper

When we want to help someone close to us, we can slip into the role of a rescuer. It is an unproductive, draining role that won't make things better either for your loved one or for you. Unlike the role of a helper. What's the difference?

The "rescuer" doesn't see the independence and agency of the person being "rescued" and tries to do everything for them. This can reinforce feelings of helplessness and incompetence in the person with depression.

The "helper", on the other hand, sees their own limits, doesn't try to take responsibility for the other person, notices what the other person can do on their own, but helps with what they find hard or what they need.

Think about which role you are in. Define your boundaries and check from time to time whether you have slipped into the "rescuer" role.

How to support yourself

To support someone close to you, you need to have the strength yourself. Even if you are deeply involved in supporting your partner, it's important to keep time for the activities and areas of life that fill you up, recharge you and give you that very strength.

These are your hobbies, interests, sport, meeting friends, time alone, as well as activities where you can release difficult feelings. Without these activities, without switching off, it's hard to find the strength for emotional support.

Decide for yourself when, how much and what kind of activities you need. You can talk about it with your partner and explain why these activities matter to you.

"I feel guilty"

Why do we feel guilty towards a partner with depression?

❶ You did something you regret

For example, you didn't fully understand the problem and dismissed the feelings of your depressed partner: "Why are you being lazy again?" You can apologise and try to put things right.

❷ You didn't do anything wrong

We can feel guilty, for example, for feeling positive emotions, or because we are "not doing enough". We want to help, but our partner's state doesn't change, and we blame ourselves. This is how we fall into a cognitive distortion: thinking from point B that at point A we could have acted differently. But at every point we act as best we can, as far as our inner and outer resources allow.

If you feel persistent guilt about "not doing enough", ask yourself: do you still have the strength to support and help? Are you replenishing your own resources enough?

And what will happen if you get even more involved in supporting your partner with depression? Will you stay in the helper role or slip into the rescuer role?

"It's hard for me"

You may feel strong negative feelings, anger and powerlessness towards someone close to you who is depressed right now. That's normal.

It's important to remember that the person next to you is still the same person you love. Yes, they are going through a hard time right now; they may be apathetic, irritable, sleepy, but it is a period. We don't know how long it will last, but we can live our lives during this period, find pleasant moments, notice changes and create happy occasions.

If at some point you feel you have no strength for support or a conversation, say so. And explain that you will definitely come back when you're ready.

If you feel it's hard to support yourself and regulate your emotions and state on your own, you can seek individual help from a psychologist or join a support group for the loved ones of people with mental disorders.

What else matters

Your partner has the right not to see a doctor or psychotherapist, not to take medication, not to follow prescriptions, to feel any emotions and to be in any state.

You have the right to voice your concerns, to feel any emotions, including towards your partner, to get tired, and to not feel you have the strength to support and help. You have the right to your own life, to positive emotions and happy occasions.

And you both have the right to be heard. And the feelings and needs each of you has deserve to be respected and understood.