We moved apart, but didn't break up

After a long period of getting to know each other and a short honeymoon phase, we decided to move in together. More precisely, I moved in with him. We lived like that for six months, and then renovation work started in our home, and I decided to stay with a relative for a while.

A month later, my partner wrote that, living apart, he'd noticed he had more energy and more comfort, and in general, "you don't have to come back."

Of course, afterwards we discussed all the pros and cons of living together. For him, the cons outweighed the pros, so the compromise became a hybrid format: convert the quantity of time spent together into quality.

It all sounded very sensible and respectful. But there was no limit to how lost, hurt and angry I felt, plus the whole rest of the emotional spectrum: in my boomer picture of the world, building a relationship "remotely" was never part of the plan, let alone starting a family.

Pulling myself together, snot and all, and thanking him for the roof over my head, I found an apartment and moved out. We kept seeing each other, but a bitter aftertaste remained. I didn't understand how to let the situation go and keep the relationship going while living separately.

Eventually we did break up. Now I don't know whether I'll be able to live together with someone in a new relationship, because I'm afraid everyday routine will ruin it.

I'm also curious: under what circumstances is it possible to stay friends with an ex? Can that friendship be kept without the baggage of the past, or is it a pointless idea? How do you keep the right distance? I understand it's all very individual and depends on what both people want, the reason for the breakup and so on, but still, I'd love to hear stories of relationships like this and a psychologist's advice.

Relationships really can be very different: some couples live apart for years and get nothing but pleasure out of it. The important condition here is that everyone involved does it voluntarily and with consent.

In your story, only your partner was enjoying it, while you felt lost, hurt and angry. Yes, rationally you understood that spending only quality time together is a great plan, but it went against your ideas about relationships. Changes like this in a relationship should be made carefully, with care for each other, gradually and attentively, and it seems that in your case you were literally shown the door.

start living apart gradually, slowly increasing the number of days spent apart and checking in on how each of you feels;

think ahead about how and in what format you now see your time together, how much time each of you needs for meeting up, with or without overnight stays, and how often to call each other;

leave each partner the right to change their mind and suggest living together again;

agree on whether there will be guaranteed days together (for example, weekends) or whether the schedule will depend on the situation. Are weeks when you don't see each other at all possible?

The main recommendation is direct, trusting communication. Say what you really think about it, even if it goes against your partner's wishes. This doesn't oblige them to adapt to you, but it makes your communication honest, which means there's a chance to meet everyone's needs.

As for the everyday routine that ruins everything: the beauty of relationships is that they are unique and varied. What is a nightmare for one person ("what are we, 50?!") is, for another, a cherished dream of how you'll split the housework, binge TV series all weekend and argue about whose turn it is to walk the dog.

We are all different, and our relationships with other people are different too.

Remember what matters to you and what you would like to keep in a relationship.

Staying in touch with exes has a dubious reputation. People like to joke about late-night calls and messages to an ex that you regret the next morning. But today's ex was yesterday's perhaps closest person. It's no surprise, and completely normal, that we feel drawn to keep that connection.

A breakup is a hard experience and a trauma for our psyche. Trying to stay in touch is a way to make that pain easier to get through. But there's a problem: this kind of contact can postpone grieving the loss, because it keeps up an illusion of closeness by creating new shared memories and moments. In this situation, it's better to take a break from talking to each other and come back to building a friendship once each of you has worked through the loss.

Is it normal to be friends with exes, and is it worth it? Generally, yes, if your relationship was healthy and non-violent, you split up "on a good note" without resentment or blame, and neither of you is fantasising about another chance at romance.

A friendship has to be built from scratch, not tailored out of a romantic relationship. After all, in this format you have completely different boundaries.