Teaching your dog the “Sex!” command

Your dog isn't very interested in your sex as such, but unusual sounds and movements can frighten and unsettle it.

Our task is to picture what behaviour you want from your dog and in what circumstances, then recreate those circumstances and reward the animal for the actions you want (or, in this case, for inaction).

The general approach is this: first we train the dog under controlled conditions that imitate a stressful situation, and then we put what it has learned into practice.

This doesn't mean, of course, that you'll have to interrupt all sorts of proceedings 17 times a night to teach your dog to be a well-behaved little bunny. But the ability to fake an orgasm will come in handy here.

Step 1: teaching your dog the “place” command

At first, lead the dog to its place for a treat and reward even extra-short stretches when it doesn't burst out of there without permission. While you do this, say the command “Place”, so the dog can form a pleasant association with the word.

Step 2: making the “place” command harder

Step a couple of paces away, then a dozen, and then into the bedroom. If the dog stays sitting, praise it. If it acts up, it gets led back by the leash, with some grumbling, and is rewarded there again.

Once the dog can manage staying in its place for at least a few minutes, you can close the bedroom door behind you, then open it again straight away and return to your sweet little pie with a round of applause.

Step 3: simulated combat, aka pretending you're having sex

The dog sits in its place, and you shut yourself in the bedroom with someone. Fool around on the bed for a bit. You can even shout and jump around so it all looks natural.

Ideally, this should end before the dog decides to come to your rescue. If you made it in time, hurry out to praise and feed your yellow furball for not breaking in and not whining.

Step 4: simulated combat, aka pretending you're having sex

The whole point of this training is to reinforce the skill of calmly tolerating any sounds from the bedroom.

The dog should remember that it gets something tasty and you have a good time. Without it.

Sounds from the room mean nothing — you always come back alive.

Scolding and prohibitions won't help in this situation.

They will only heighten irritation and arousal (and I don't mean the kind of arousal that would be appropriate in the circumstances mentioned).

There's only one way out: don't stress yourself or the dog, and approach the matter as ordinary dog training. It has to be said that dogs get taught much stranger tricks than sitting quietly while there's sex going on behind the wall.