Taking a break in a relationship

Fatigue, irritation, built-up resentment and helplessness during fights. In this state, it's easy to start doubting whether you should even stay together at all.

And this is where it may enter the stage: a break in the relationship.

We've put together a short check-up to help you make a more considered decision before putting your relationship on pause.

1. At what moment was the decision to take a break made?

During a conflict, emotions often win. It's hard for us to think clearly and to listen to each other attentively and with empathy.

Take a time-out for a couple of hours or days. It will help ease the emotional tension and let you assess the situation more clearly. You can spend this time alone and listen to yourself more closely. Or in conversation with loved ones and in personal therapy.

2. Why do you need a break?

Discuss it together. That way there will be less anxiety from the uncertainty. Simply stepping away from the fights and unresolved issues isn't enough. That way you may just return to the familiar cycle of conflicts and doubts.

Agree on which questions you each want to clarify for yourselves, and how you'll go about it. Why is it important to do this apart from each other?

This is not an easy conversation. Help each other out and use "I-statements". For example:

"I feel that because of our frequent conflicts, I have less and less energy left to think about the future of our relationship. During the break, I want to listen to myself, pay more attention to my emotional state and talk to the people close to me."

3. What are the rules of your break?

It's important to discuss the terms on which you're entering this period of crisis in your relationship. The more clarity and agreements there are, the more stable you'll feel.

Things you can discuss:

• Do you stay under the same roof or move apart?
• Are you ready to keep in touch with each other?
• Shared activities (workouts, going to loved ones' birthdays): are we cancelling them or not?
• Are you seeing other people?
• Do you tell friends and family about the break or keep it a secret?
• Are you doing couples therapy during this time?

4. How long is your break?

Miranda from Sex and the City agreed with her partner that on a certain day and at a certain time they would meet on a bridge if they were both ready to be together again.

That's a rather extreme way of ending a break. But it's definitely worth discussing how long your break will last. And scheduling a meeting in advance to talk about the outcome.

5. What to do after the break?

Discuss together what each of you has arrived at during your break.

If you've decided to stay together, talk about what exactly needs to change in your relationship.

If you realise that the decision and the conversation aren't coming easily, you can turn to couples therapy. It can also help you end the relationship in a healthy way, while keeping your respect for each other, if you've decided to break up.

Deciding to take a break in a relationship isn't easy. It's completely normal to feel very different things, from relief and calm to anxiety, fear and a sense of abandonment. Sometimes a break is seen as a "hospice" for the relationship: the final stage before a breakup, a defeat. This way of seeing it hurts, disorients and drains your energy.

The best thing you can take from a break is a look at your relationship from the outside, at your own state, needs, goals and values, and an assessment of each partner's readiness to make some concrete efforts going forward.