"So when are the kids coming?" and other tactless questions

"So when are the kids coming?"

Whoever asks this question doesn't take into account what the person they're asking is going through right now.

Some people simply don't want to share their plans about children; others may be having difficulty conceiving. And people don't usually talk about difficulties like that. Outsiders may not know about the problem or may underestimate what someone else is going through.

Either way, this question crosses personal boundaries and can stir up a range of emotions: from wanting to laugh it off and bewilderment to painful feelings.

How to answer tactless questions?

Whether or not to talk about your problems, doubts or position on children is entirely your choice. There is no right or wrong here. What matters is feeling safe. For some people that means everyone knowing; for others, no one knowing.

Don't talk about your problem (how you're dealing with infertility / that you don't know whether you want a child / that you and your partner haven't reached a decision yet), but about the feelings these questions bring up in you. For example: "I find these questions really unpleasant, and I'd like you to stop asking them."

Questions about children hurt me. What should I do?

1. If someone around you is hurting you and crossing your boundaries, don't be shy about saying so.

There's no protection from comments like "everything will be fine", "why don't you just adopt", "you'll change your mind and want them later", "that means you're not meant to have children", "just relax already, you're the one stopping yourself from getting pregnant".

Take off the mask and don't pretend you're comfortable. Don't waste your energy on defending yourself, and allow yourself to be vulnerable.

2. Share what you're going through

Silence is the load-bearing wall of trauma. A person is more easily traumatised when they can't talk about what happened to them. They have to hide it, stay silent, pretend that "everything is fine".

Find a safe space to talk: friends, loved ones, group chats, support groups. Anything so that you don't lock your emotions away, but talk about them and share what you're going through.

3. Figure out what support means to you

Don't expect friends and parents to understand your needs, thoughts and feelings on their own.

Think about what kind of support you're hoping for; it's different for everyone. Some people need sympathy, some need someone to sit in silence with them, others need a doctor's contact or someone to share their experience.

What supports you, what helps and what doesn't: share this with the people close to you.

How to help yourself with your emotions?

We can't choose whether or not to feel emotions. But we can decide what to do with them.

If you ignore your feelings and emotions and "swallow" them, irritation can spill over onto your loved ones, you may lash out at your partner, and depression may even set in.

An exercise to make room for tears, sadness and bitterness

Sit or lie down comfortably, close your eyes and imagine a rain cloud. Let it break into rain. Watch the rain and breathe. Keep doing this until the rain stops.

An exercise to release irritation and anger

Sit or lie down comfortably, close your eyes and imagine yourself high up in the mountains. It's just you there, with no one around. Watch yourself from the outside and scream (in the space of your imagination) as loudly as you want. You can hit rocks with a stick, kick, jump. You'll feel when it's enough. Breathe during the exercise; on the exhale you can scream even louder.

A Purpur reminder

The reproductive question is your business and nobody else's.

It doesn't matter whether you don't want children right now or at all, whether you're having difficulty conceiving or can't have them: other people have no right to invade your personal space.