Sex after time apart and other long-distance relationship clichés

If we live in different countries, I still want to be in a relationship with the person as they are in everyday life, not with their vacation version.

Or rather, I don't like taking established relationship scripts as a given. Everyone now understands the problem with the stereotypes from 2000s romcoms, but that realization always comes in hindsight. So what am I supposed to do right now, when stereotypes are everywhere?

Sometimes clichés can suit you personally — for example, you love grand gestures, a declaration of love into a microphone at a concert, songs under the balcony. I see nothing wrong with that at all. I see the danger in these steps being perceived as something default.

I was pleased by the ending of season 1 of "Sex Education". The character of Maeve, whom Otis was in love with, looked to me like a romanticization of the archetype of the difficult girl you want to rescue. But in the end she showed herself differently, and the story didn't end with the classic "rescuing the princess".

I also don't like the film "Amélie". It used to seem beautiful, stylish and romantic to me. Now I can't watch the characters' story, where falling for a mysterious, enigmatic, slightly odd character is romanticized. I'm a skeptic, but for half the film I want to shout:

"You don't even know him! You've fallen for an image in your head!"

I think that's okay too. If you realize that you've fallen for the beauty of being in love and you draw inspiration from it, not suffering.

As someone in a long-distance relationship (or, as I put it, a "distance-independent" one), I was wary of romanticizing sex after time apart. Pop culture paints sex after time apart as an explosion of passion and endorphins, an oxytocin coma.

But when you don't see each other often, there's already a risk of turning the relationship into a hormonal rollercoaster. You miss each other and can't wait to meet, then the meeting happens, a burst of joy, everything is a little like the first time again. You get used to each other all over again, and then comes emotional separation again. Then you get used all over again to the person not being around, you calm down, you miss them, and it all starts over.

Adding to this the obligatory, especially intense sex after reuniting is like romanticizing make-up sex. I don't want to create that kind of emotional anchor.

But at the same time, if you try with all your might to resist the system, that's still a reflection of the system.

And deliberately trying to lower your expectations emotionally is also giving in to the pressure of the stereotype.

I really don't want to wear myself out with the relationship. I don't want visits to always be in vacation mode. I have a number of small habits that work for me.

Guests are tiring. I don't want to see a suitcase lying open for a week, or even for a visit of a few days. I ask for things to be put away in the wardrobe, as if this is ordinary real life.

I try to keep the routine, just together. Drinking coffee at the café near home, working as usual, going for evening walks, meeting friends, and so on.

When possible (not always), I'd rather skip airport send-offs: it's always sad to leave the airport alone.

I don't want to be a weekend girlfriend.

If we live in different countries, I still want to be in a relationship with the person as they are in everyday life, not with their vacation version.

The same goes for sex. Unfortunately, it's impossible to deliberately make up for all the sex missed during the time apart, and I don't think you should try. Everyone is different: you may need more time to get used to each other and to start wanting your partner, or, on the contrary, you may need to "celebrate the reunion" in exactly this way, or it's different every time. And you don't know how it will be next time.

I'm not crossing out other ways of meeting up: vacations together, romantic surprises and so on. I'd just advise thinking as little as possible about how things are supposed to be and how they should be.

He: Actually, I don't think that at all!

All of us in long-distance relationships need to try over-romanticizing sex after time apart, try to make it as vanilla as possible and live for it alone! And then realize that all these clichés don't work, that there's no point stressing over it, breathe out with peace of mind and live happily without any excessive romanticizing.

But to understand what works for you and what doesn't, it's worth trying to live through it!