Sex after a baby: a modern dad's story
Getting to know each other again and learning to enjoy yourselves in new circumstances, as the new you.
Sex after a baby: a modern dad's story
A dad in the Purpur feed. Read his take on post-baby sex and get mentally prepared (if it applies to you).
The best sex happens when you're both relaxed and know for sure that nothing can interrupt you. Well, after a baby is born, you can cross these key ingredients of sex off the list.
Constant fatigue — hello, sleepless nights, colic and teething. Worries and thoughts about the baby are firmly lodged in your head. And the fact that the baby could wake up at any moment definitely doesn't help you relax.
How do you keep a comfortable sex life in these conditions? I'll share my own experience.
Two key skills for partners raising a child: acceptance and communication.
Acceptance
It won't be “like before” for a long time. Childbirth, pregnancy, breastfeeding — all of this is a huge stress for both the body and the mind. Women's hormones change, and so their libido may change too. Add to that fatigue, possible sleepless nights and emotional ups and downs.
Both partners need to accept these facts right from the start, ideally while still in the pregnancy stage. Then you won't build up high expectations and get upset when they aren't met.
Communication
The skill of honestly reading your own state and not being afraid to share it with your partner is a real lifesaver for a couple with a child.
If you don't feel like having sex, don't have it. Even if grandma has taken the baby out for a walk and, for the first time in 3 months, you're alone in an empty apartment.
Moms often write to me asking: “How do I find the energy for sex if I have none left after putting the baby to bed?” The answer is: you don't, and you don't need to look for it.
To keep sex good, sometimes it's better to sleep, take a bath and zone out on YouTube instead of having sex.
How to fit sex into life with a child
When a child arrives, a new bond forms between partners. The experience of parenthood lays everything bare: feelings, nerves, the good and the bad. You may learn things about each other you never expected.
It's the same with sex: it will become different. It's time to get to know each other again and learn to enjoy yourselves in new circumstances and as the new you.
For example, the baby wakes up during sex. You can scream F🤬CK into a pillow (it's even recommended) and get upset. Or you can thank your partner for all the wonderful things that managed to happen and laugh about it. Finishing with solo sex is an option too.
Sex space
Personally, my wife and I aren't comfortable having sex while the baby is asleep nearby. If you don't have a separate room, you can set up a sex space somewhere else in the apartment.
Changing the order of the terms can change the sum a lot. A new place can bring new sensations, too.
Having a child is a wonderful experience. And all the difficulties of parenthood can't outweigh the happiness this new little person brings.
I have never loved my wife as much as I have since our daughter was born. Yes, sex has become less frequent, but more meaningful, deeper and more interesting.
