Open relationships: a story

"It's not an attempt to get from outside what has been lost inside the couple. It's about broadening horizons and new experiences."

My wife and I are now 33 and 35. We started dating when we were 19 and 21, and we've been together ever since. When our relationship began, we had little sexual experience, and not much experience of relationships either.

I can say with confidence that we have a happy marriage: we share common values, we have a lot of interests in common, and I can't see myself outside this relationship.

I was the one who suggested opening the relationship; at that point we had been together for 8 years. I was really turned on by the fantasy of my wife being with other men.

It wasn't one specific conversation. And yes, at first she didn't understand me. But thanks to her openness, curiosity and wish to understand me, we reached a safe and inspiring dialogue and began discovering new sides of each other. Two years passed between the first mention and the first small experience.

Now my wife dates other partners. I don't date other women. This is exactly the format we like.

Agreements are probably the hardest part for us. We're still trying to arrive at rules that are mutually acceptable and safe.

At first I wanted to be part of choosing the partner. But it's important for my wife to make the decisions herself, to feel that she's in control of the process and, even more importantly, to feel valued in her own right rather than as part of a fetish about "sex with a married woman".

For me, it's important to at least hear her story of how it went, so that I can feel like a participant. That was my fantasy.

It's hard to say exactly where asking her to share with me turns into controlling what happens. It's a fine line that requires constant calibration from us, and an open and caring dialogue.

Now my wife mostly looks for and chooses partners herself, but sometimes the process becomes a game for both of us.

I have a "veto right", but I can't imagine under what circumstances I'd want to use it.

It's hot!

Surprisingly, this experience brings my wife and me closer. And it shows not only in our sex life (although our sex life together has definitely benefited from it). It's a completely different level of openness and trust.

An open relationship acts as a catalyst for all emotions. Sometimes old resentments, grievances and misunderstandings can flare up.

It's complicated.

I clearly know and understand that my wife and her body don't belong to me, and I don't feel any negative emotions about that. Our relationship is built on a solid foundation of shared values and goals. We're true friends, and we've lived through and gone through a lot together. Of course, none of this guarantees a future together (as in any relationship). But for us, an open relationship doesn't create any additional risks here.

There's another kind of jealousy, caused by my fears, insecurities and doubts. And it can sometimes appear in completely unexpected places.

Here's a funny example. My wife's sexual encounters with other partners don't scare me at all. But once I recommended a film to her, and she just couldn't find the time for it. Every now and then I'd ask whether she'd watched it yet. Then, about three months later, one of her potential partners recommended a film, and she watched it that same evening. Now the situation seems rather funny, but at the time I was incredibly frustrated. That was jealousy.

My wife doesn't hide from her friends that we have an open relationship, but only a few of her closest friends know the details. My social circle mostly doesn't know about it.

We haven't told our parents and relatives, but we've agreed that we're not playing "spy games" and will be ready to tell everything honestly if questions come up.

A common reaction from acquaintances is "What are you missing?" That's the wrong way to frame it. For us, opening the relationship isn't an attempt to get from outside what has been lost inside the couple. It's more about broadening horizons, new experiences and developing sensuality.

An open relationship won't work as a cure for problems in a couple. That kind of emotional intensity can only make existing difficulties worse.

It suits those for whom everything is fine even without opening the relationship and being with other partners.

But if you have managed to find common ground, discover this desire in each other and trust your partner with such a risky step, then incredible, vivid emotions and amazing discoveries await you. About your partner as well as about yourself.