I cheated. What now?

This post is not about morality. Everyone has their own principles, and those are something you have to work through yourself. To begin with, let's figure out where you are right now.

a) You are in a stable long-term relationship and are thinking about a one-night stand and no-strings meetups.

Have you realised that monogamous relationships are not for you? An open relationship, with boundaries, possibilities and rules clearly agreed with your partner, could be the option that satisfies you and doesn't hurt your partner. Think about how to prepare for this conversation, and choose the right moment.

b) You are in a stable long-term relationship and have met someone with whom you have fallen in love again, and who makes you feel desired and inspired. Perhaps the cheating has already happened.

Is this that "true love"? Or an escape from your current problems? Answer the following questions for yourself:

● How do you cope with loneliness (real or potential)? Have you felt lonely lately?

● Have there been any crisis events in your couple recently (having children, a change in income, a move, the loss of a loved one, illness)?

● Have you felt emptiness or a loss of meaning in life lately?

● Has your self-esteem, or your perception of yourself, your mind or your attractiveness, changed lately?

● Have you been overworking? Have you experienced emotional burnout?

Before you decide anything about your relationship (it has gone bad, things will be different in a new one), remember that you will bring yourself into a new relationship.

So first, it would be good to understand what is going on with you.

Sometimes cheating is not a desire for a person / sex / intimacy, but a desire for a different, new self.

With this person I'm completely different

And that's true. But it doesn't mean you have changed with the other person; it's just that a different part of you comes out. The old one doesn't go anywhere.

Self-realisation, fulfilling your fantasies and opening up to someone you have been with for a long time can be hard. Perhaps you are afraid that this other version of you won't be accepted.

For example, you go to exhibitions of 18th-century portrait painting together, but inside you are itching to hit the dance floor in a basement club. And then comes the fear: will the person close to me accept me as a techno cobra?

It's easier to show your other side to someone new. But the question of intimacy and opening up doesn't go away.

I cheated. What now?

❶ Don't drag others into your cheating

Making them accomplices = making life harder for everyone. Your cheating = your responsibility. Asking a friend to "cover" for you, or a female friend to say you're staying the night at her place: all of this turns into a web of lies that will weigh on everyone. When the cheating comes out, it won't only be you who is to blame, but all the accomplices too, and your partner may be left without support or a circle of friends, with nothing but a sense of loneliness and of being betrayed by everyone.

❷ Use protection and look after your health

You know the statistics on STIs and HIV. In monogamous couples, they are what they are because of cheating. Unprotected sex with a lover while you are also intimate within your couple is reckless and cruel to your partner.

❸ Don't mix cheating with family life

Don't invite them home, and don't take them to places that you and your partner share and that matter to you both. Consider that this could make it many times more painful for your partner. Asking children to keep quiet, not to tell the other parent, to "go out for a walk / go and play": all of this causes a child irreparable trauma.

Making important decisions, family secrets or conflicts: keep these within your family. Don't seek advice from your lover; they are a third party who may be interested in decisions that are not the best for your family.

❹ Whether or not to talk about what happened is up to you.

Remember the story of Miranda and Steve from Sex and the City? "Why know about cheating if it happened by accident and only once?" Sometimes the urge to tell is an urge to get rid of the burden of guilt, to share it with someone else. But the responsibility is yours alone to carry.

Do you think it will be easier once it's out? Yes, but only for you. Weigh everything up and think it over.

On any journey, you take yourself with you. And in a new relationship you are still the same person. Sooner or later, the old problems may come back to you.

If you put all your energy into your current relationship rather than into a new person, how would that change it?