Me, him and his mom
That feeling when there are three of you in a relationship, not two. A clinical psychologist on the "his mom" dynamic.
Me, him and his mom
That feeling when there are three of you in a relationship, not two.
Together with a clinical psychologist, we're stepping into the difficult topic of "his mom": we try to understand every side and how each of them feels. And how this can be worked through.
He unconsciously makes decisions through the lens of "what will mom say."
She feels left out, because her opinion and needs end up taking a back seat.
What she feels: irritation and helplessness. She isn't living with a man, but inside a family triangle.
What he feels: guilt and inner tension — he's always caught between two fires.
Sometimes it feels like there are not two people in the relationship, but three: a woman, her partner and his mother.
This dynamic destroys trust and harmony in a couple.
The son plays a role in his mother's life that goes beyond the parent–child relationship.
Relationships like this often form in families where the father was physically absent or emotionally distant.
The mother unconsciously transfers some of her needs and expectations onto her son, making him her main source of closeness and emotional support.
The son takes on the role of the "good boy" who has to comfort, support and be there in order to keep the love and the connection.
He doesn't separate his own needs from his mom's and is guided first and foremost by her reaction and approval.
The emotional bond with the mother can last a lifetime, even if the man is financially independent and has long lived on his own.
He may not even turn to his mother directly, but on a subconscious level the decision passes through an invisible filter of his mom's feelings.
A mother–son relationship like this is not the result of the mother's ill will or the man's weakness.
It is a consequence of a family system in which the child becomes too deeply involved in the parent's emotional world.
But — good news — it's not a life sentence, and even as an adult a man can help himself (and his relationship) and learn emotional autonomy.
How to set boundaries with your mother
Setting boundaries with your mother = getting out of this dynamic and taking on the position of a mature partner.
- Honestly acknowledge her influence on your decisions and gradually separate your own wishes from her expectations
- Limit how much information about your personal life you share with your mother, and stop discussing all the key issues of your relationship with her
- Consciously make decisions on your own, even if they may not match your mom's idea of what's right
- See a psychotherapist
