Far away, still close

Change

We have all found ourselves in a new reality. Friendships (where there is warmth, where you can be yourself, where you see things the same way) can give you something to lean on and be a real support right now.

Life has changed, and many of the people close to us have scattered all over. It happened so fast that there was no chance to prepare, to say goodbye or to understand how everything had changed, even for those who stayed where they were.

Take stock: write down what you have lost, what you have been deprived of, what will be different from now on. This will help you grieve and accept the changes, acknowledge them, and it will let you look ahead and make plans.

Rules for long-distance friendship

1. Reply right away

Even if only briefly. Otherwise the trail goes cold, and more than one day can pass before you find time to answer.

2. Give each other a heads-up

If you have a heavy workload coming, if you don't need or don't have time to talk often, if you find video messages in Telegram nicer than voice notes, and about everything else that matters to you.

3. Use "I-messages"

"I've missed you / I miss having you around / I've been thinking about you for a few days" instead of "Where did you disappear to?". First-person messages build a bridge in communication, while "you-messages" hurt and make people defensive.

4. Serve the ball

Tell your friends about what you're up to, your life, how you feel. Messages like these are much easier to answer than a sudden "how are you?", which, especially after a break in contact, can leave someone stumped.

5. Make plans together

Planning is hard right now. But you can agree to read the same book and then discuss it, pick an evening and watch the same film at the same time, or get on a Zoom call and make a dessert together. Shared plans and shared experiences bring you closer and give you a sense of togetherness.

Traps of long-distance friendship

1. "They have no time for me"

A new life, new acquaintances and new pals are inevitable in a long-distance friendship. But there is no direct threat in that. Sometimes you really want to tell what happened to you to someone who has known you for a long time, who has been through all sorts of things with you, and whom you don't have to fill in on the context at length.

2. "Why burden them?"

To keep a relationship from becoming shallow or a mere formality, it's important to trust, to open up and to tolerate feeling vulnerable. A relationship like that will keep growing, and the bond will get stronger even across thousands of kilometres.

3. "I'll write when there's a reason"

You don't need to look for some special occasion. Telling a story, asking for advice, sharing a photo of the two of you, sending a meme: all of this can be very nourishing and even therapeutic.

4. "I see it on social media"

When you follow someone close to you on social media, reading their posts and watching their stories, it's important to remember that this does not reflect their life.

5. Feast or famine

Long-distance relationships aren't linear: one week there may be ten messages a day, the next complete calm. Don't jump to conclusions.

Investing in friendship

In childhood and youth, friendship is often tied to some formal common ground: the same school or workplace, sharing a rented place, hanging out with the same crowd.

Adult friendship doesn't happen by itself; you have to invest in it. By investing, we top up our friendship account. This rule is universal, whether you and your friend live in the same city or in different time zones.