“Distance heightens idealization and jealousy”: a personal story about a long-distance relationship

We see each other for a month and a half to two months in Turkey, when I fly over. Then we're apart for the same amount of time, or even longer. I don't have a Turkish residence permit, so I have to stick to the limits of a visa-free stay.

Every separation is awful. At first you coast along on positivity and vivid emotions, but after a month it gets really hard.

All the toxic feelings like jealousy intensify, FOMO gets worse, your partner's traits get idealized — you forget their true character, and then after you meet you have to spend a long time getting used to their flaws all over again.

Frustration sets in: nothing around you is any good without your partner. And when we meet in Istanbul, after a while I start missing my family and friends back home.

We keep our long-distance relationship going with texting and calls — the classic.

It's hard when the amount of contact you want doesn't match: my partner doesn't like texting for hours, and I do. Because of this, at a distance I feel clingy and suffer more from a lack of attention. Although in person it's the other way around: I need more time apart than my partner does.

After a month apart it can be hard to find time even for a quick call — scheduling calls with your partner is frustrating.

Sharing your day gets harder: it's easier to tell a neighbor you barely know how things are going than to set aside time for this virtual sharing. Instead of a pleasant exchange of news, it becomes a chore with no enthusiasm.

What's hardest for both of us is touch starvation. It's unbearable to get used to daily hugs and kisses and then have to break that physical habit at a distance.

I realize this kind of rollercoaster wears down your mental health: goodbye → separation → missing each other → reunion → getting used to each other → separation

FOMO turned out to be a huge challenge: if my partner is having a great time out with friends and I'm sitting at home, I can forget about a calm evening. I'll be sad and overthinking how someone is hitting on him — even though my partner has never once given me a reason to think that.

The last year was especially hard, when our social circles became very different: mine is consistently a group of three friends, and his is lots of different people. And although there are no serious grounds for jealousy, over the long distance insecurity and intrusive thoughts completely overwhelm me.

Distance heightens idealization and jealousy.

But I try to find something romantic in these difficult feelings: I'd rather suffer and wait to see each other than grow cold toward my partner.

Though once my psyche couldn't take it, and there was a moment when my feelings disappeared completely.

That's normal, it happens from overload, you just have to wait it out.

There are positive moments too: passion and feelings intensify, you value each other more, you learn to be alone with yourself.

Thanks to the distance, my personal boundaries became better defined: you understand what you missed without being in touch with your partner, and what you're actually better off without.

For example, the excessive codependency went away. It's great, while in a long-term relationship, to remember what it's like to be on your own and to learn to enjoy your own company.

My independence of choice came back: I can ask my partner for advice, but I can also decide everything myself.

Only after a long time apart did I realize my wholeness and my worth without being tied to my partner.

“I can entertain myself”

“I can make decisions without consulting my partner”

“I can make my own free time interesting”

“I can feel comfortable on my own around mutual friends”

“I am a whole person”

I've only come to cherish my partner more, and being tested by distance has made our relationship stronger.

A long-distance relationship is impossible if there's no desire to build a life together with your partner. We both have it, and that's why we've made it through these 2 years.

Every article about how to survive a long-distance relationship advised planning a shared future.

I already see it clearly, but in hard moments we talk through a rough plan and discuss when we'll finally be able to live together. This gives us strength and brings back the feeling that we cherish each other.

Although every time we meet after several months it's not easy to reconnect, there's always the knowledge that soon we'll get back in sync and it'll be great — and that's exactly what happens!