Cheating

What is cheating?

Cheating is a *one-sided* violation of a couple's boundaries.

These boundaries are different in every couple: it all depends on the agreements and rules the partners have set.

Found out your partner cheated. What to do?

1. Don't rush your words and actions. *Focus on yourself right now.*

You are under intense stress and you need support. Your reaction may be a "run" response: the urge to immediately talk to everyone, pick a fight, pack your things and run away to another country without telling anyone. *Take a pause.*

But you really do need to express your feelings. Try using a method that helps you in everyday life: workouts, expressive dancing, or the good old drive-into-the-woods-and-scream. And once again: take a pause.

2. Remember that other people's advice doesn't work.

Set aside everyone else's experience and sayings like "once a cheater, always a cheater". Your relationship is a one-of-a-kind, unique combination of 2+ people.

And only you get to decide where and how your relationship will go. Advice, meanwhile, can cause extra anxiety if it doesn't match what you want. Don't let others decide for you what to do in such a difficult situation.

3. Try not to be alone with what you're going through.

Right now you need *support*: close friends, parents or a psychologist. It will be easier if you feel that you're not alone right now.

4. Think about your relationship *from a distance*.

Take a day off, go to your personal "place of power", shut yourself in at home, and don't make hasty decisions. You'll have time to break up anyway.

5. Agree on a time after which you'll be able to start that conversation.

Right now you may want to know every detail of the cheating. But information about what happened, or about that other person, can trigger even more anxiety and painful thoughts.

*Give yourself time and prepare for the conversation.*

Weigh up what you really need to know for the sake of your relationship.

That conversation. What can you discuss?

• How far did your partner allow for the possibility of cheating in the first place? Was it a one-off episode or not?

• How meaningful is that other relationship to your partner? Is it a casual fling or a deep feeling?

• Is the story with the third party over, or is it still going on?

• Who initiated what happened? Did your partner take any steps on their own *(dates, signing up for dating apps)*? Was there a desire for intimacy outside the relationship before it actually happened?

• Did the cheating happen in the virtual world (sexting, messaging, exchanging photos) or in the physical one (real-life meetings)?

• Are there consequences of the cheating (a child, illnesses)?

• Does this take away your relationship's future, or are you ready to invest in getting through the crisis to save it?

• What was the relationship like before the cheating? Was there a moment of crisis (the birth of children, difficulties at work, an inner conflict), or was the relationship stable?

You may be facing a long and not exactly easy stage in your relationship. But a crisis can become a source of growth.

Yes, your relationship will never be the same again. It will be different. But that doesn't mean it will be worse.