Breakup myths, part three: how to end a relationship in a healthy way

Let's end this week with the last part of a difficult text about exes. A psychologist takes apart the most popular myths about breakups, so we can understand how to part ways in a healthy way. This is part three of the series.

Myth 7. If people broke up, both of them must have been unhappy with the relationship for a while beforehand.

Not always. Often, that is exactly how it is. And even if one of the partners says everything suited them, they may not be completely honest with themselves. But not always. Sometimes a relationship model that suits one partner perfectly doesn't suit the other. And if at first they put up with it, over time they got tired. Besides, we change, we grow, and our attitude to life changes too. Sometimes a breakup happens while one of the partners is going through a crisis: when they are re-evaluating their values, want to change the course of their life, and so on.

Myth 8. It's important to find out who is to blame for the breakup.

True, but that doesn't make it any easier. It's something you really want to do, but unfortunately it won't make things easier for anyone. That doesn't mean you shouldn't analyse what happened and "learn from your mistakes". But trying to hold on to resentment is nothing more than an unconscious form of hope: that if I stay hurt, the situation will become less unfair, or maybe something will change for the better. Unfortunately, that's not how it works. And this isn't about having to come to love the person who hurt you. It's about shifting the focus of your attention to yourself and your own needs.

Myth 9. If you dive straight into a new relationship, you'll feel better.

Not true. The process of loss has to run its course. And that takes time. It does happen, though, that this process takes place inside the relationship before it officially ends. Then a person leaves the relationship and goes straight into falling for someone new. But even in that case, it's better not to rush, to pay close attention to how you're feeling, and not to take hasty steps.

In any case, the main thing in ending a relationship in a healthy way is being as honest as possible with yourself and your partner. However hard it is, it's important not to create illusions for either of you and, whatever your plans for the future, to still try to build a dialogue.