The State
of Us

Purpur askedAre you embarrassed to discuss sex?

When you hear "oh, I had exactly the same thing" or "that's easy to fix", you don't panic.

One in five say they're embarrassed but talk about sex anyway, and, as a woman from a partner community put it, hearing others' stories can take the panic out.

Purpur askedDo you talk to your parents about sex?

No. An unspoken taboo in the family. Sex doesn't exist in our family 😂

My parents are very reserved people of the older generation; for them sex is shameful 🙁

Yes, with my mom. Very easily, we discuss our experiences 😄

Films, TV and friends taught more than parents did, and over a third never discussed sex with their parents at all.

Purpur askedHow do you hint to your partner that you want sex?

I say "I want you", "I want sex". I'm no good at hinting, it comes across as clumsy

We have a code word: we call it "let's go hiking" and say it straight out)

You know how there are safe words? Well, for us, when I call him "silly", it's like a go-word

Many simply say it outright or use a playful private code word; others hint with kisses, a shower or a massage.

Purpur askedDo you make sounds of pleasure on purpose?

To give my partner feedback that they're doing everything right

So nobody keeps asking whether I'm enjoying it)

In bed, sound is a form of communication: alongside turning each other on, giving feedback is one of the most common reasons.

Purpur askedWhat do couples fight about most, and how do you make up?

Different ideas about what counts as clean

Time together. I need more of it, and outside the house.

The big fights are about small things like cleaning and time together, and almost everyone says they reach out first.

Purpur askedWhat does an ideal couple look like?

Nothing is left unsaid 🤞

They hear each other

They can talk to each other about everything

When people picture a great couple, they picture a good conversation.

Purpur askedDo you have enough personal space in your relationship?

I tell my partner I need some time alone and go for a walk, to a café, somewhere else

I go to another room and lie down

Most couples have found room to breathe, and those who need more tend to say so and step out for a while.

Purpur askedDo you keep your individuality in a relationship?

Love changes almost everyone, and for some it blurs the line between me and us.

Purpur askedWhat changed when you moved in together?

We got a feeling of home

There's more tenderness and closeness, but sex stopped being a priority and became monotonous (

I started to feel discomfort and a lack of personal time :(

Sharing a home brings closeness, and for some it costs time alone and makes sex more routine.

Purpur askedDo you want to get married?

More than half want to get married, and over a third say it doesn't matter to them.

Purpur askedWould you propose, or wait to be proposed to?

We got fed up with applying for visas just to be together

We couldn't find a reason not to

He spent hours taking photos of me in the rain because it mattered to me

Waiting to be asked is still the most common choice, but many would take the initiative themselves, and real reasons to marry range from paperwork to devotion.

Purpur askedDo you need to be in love to be with someone?

A perfectly peeled tangerine from him ♥

The fact that he fell in love with me ✓

Most need the spark first, and sometimes it's lit by something tiny and specific.

Purpur askedHow often do you have sex, and do you want more?

Only wants to have sex twice a month 🥲

Desire is evenly split between matched and mismatched couples, and far more people want more sex than want less.

Purpur askedDo smells turn you on?

Perfume, shampoo and sweat

Scent is a quiet but powerful part of attraction, and many describe it as skin, sweat and hair: a partner's own smell.

Purpur askedDo you ever cry during or after sex?

Realising how close I am to my partner

Because my body wanted sex but my head didn't want it at all

Tears during or after sex are common, and they can mean deep closeness or a signal that something wasn't right.

Purpur askedDo you think about how you look during sex?

Walking around the house naked. Giving myself compliments, naming parts of my body.

The way my partner looks at me

Running, hiking. Realising the strength of my body.

Most people watch themselves during sex, and the routes back into the body are personal, from compliments to movement.

Purpur askedDoes your partner's body hair bother you?

I think the best way is to talk to your partner and find out what each of you likes.

a partner who accepts me, though first I had to accept myself

Most aren't bothered by a partner's body hair, and asking is the easiest way to find out what each of you likes.

Purpur askedDo you remember your first sex as something good or bad?

Tender, thrilling and comfortable

Pain is not okay, you don't have to put up with it

Most remember their first time fondly, and one piece of advice people would give their younger selves is that pain is not something to endure.

Purpur askedDoes cheating mean the relationship is over?

A reason to stop and talk about what's happening to us

Looking for what's missing in your current relationship

The total destruction of everything you built together

Two-thirds (68%) don't see cheating as an automatic end; asked what cheating means, some called it a reason to talk, others total destruction.

Purpur askedAre men non-monogamous, so there's no point expecting them to be faithful?

He'll fool around and come back, it's in their blood. All men cheat.

Only 3% agree that men can't be expected to be faithful, even though many heard exactly that from older relatives.

Purpur askedCould you forgive cheating?

The relationship changed for the better, but the feeling that you're forever not quite enough in some way hasn't left me for going on three years now.

Forgiveness splits the community almost down the middle, and even when it saves a couple, the hurt can linger.

Purpur askedMonogamy or polyamory?

I don't have the energy to give love to more than one person.

Because everyone around me is monogamous.

I feel that I have enough love for someone else too.

Monogamy is the clear majority choice (78%); reasons range from having found "my person" to simply lacking the energy for more, while a minority want to open up (the last reply answers why someone wants to open up their relationship).

Purpur askedDo you stalk your ex-friends on social media?

I can't let go :( it hurts more than with ex-boyfriends

I'm curious how he's doing (genuinely happy for him), but neither of us wants to be in touch

Friendship breakups can sting as much as romantic ones, and many people keep quietly checking in.

Purpur askedWhat's the strangest way you found out about cheating?

Found a sketchy toothbrush in the bathroom

Through the baby monitor

Her friends started comforting me, even though I knew nothing and was actually sad about something else

Affairs came to light in odd ways: wine glasses, a stray toothbrush, a baby monitor, a Facebook comment.

Purpur askedShould you text first?

Waiting games are out: the community overwhelmingly says make the first move.

Purpur askedWhat annoys you about first dates?

Every time, the same old record "about me" all over again

Interviews

"Tell me about yourself" 🙃

First-date fatigue has one main cause: the job-interview format.

Purpur askedWhat are you afraid to ask on a date?

What are you actually looking for right now?

How much do you earn, and is that money enough for you?

Do I turn you on?

The questions people hold back are the ones that would tell them the most.

Purpur askedWhat do you think about long-distance relationships?

You miss them all the time; it's like an addiction you can't satisfy

It was worth it! After 4 years we were able to move in together (we're from different countries)

I record myself reading our favourite books on a voice recorder, and he listens to them on his shifts

Replies dwelt on how hard distance is, yet those who made it work describe small rituals and happy endings.

Purpur askedDid you fall in love this summer?

I knew right away that it wouldn't be anything more serious than a "vacation romance."

I don't regret a thing!

57 followers fell head over heels this summer, compared with 33 who fell in love fleetingly; the replies come from a separate 2025 feature of vacation-romance stories.

Purpur askedWhat did your exes teach you?

Not to lower my standards

To accept gifts with pleasure, not with the feeling that you don't deserve them

It's not only you who has to take steps toward the other person

Past relationships leave behind lessons in self-worth and reciprocity.

Purpur askedWhat is hard for you to discuss?

In proportion to income: I pay a bit less, my partner pays a bit more

As a percentage! Otherwise the rich get richer and the poor get poorer

Finances (237 votes) outranked death (106) and therapy (86) as the hardest topic; when one partner earns less, some couples split costs in proportion to income.

Purpur askedWould you work if you didn't have to?

I'd want this to be discussed with me: what's the plan

Badly, my money won't be enough for both of us

60% wouldn't work if they didn't have to; asked about a partner quitting, reactions ranged from full support to "badly, my money won't be enough", and many wanted to talk through a plan.

Purpur askedHow does an income gap affect your relationship?

When I quit my job, I had to be financially dependent, and I started voicing my opinion less often.

If my partner's income is much lower, I start to dominate them.

If it goes on for a long time and isn't talked about, it gradually starts to weigh on you and get irritating.

An income gap can cost the lower earner their voice or tempt the higher earner to dominate; one respondent warned that left unspoken, it starts to weigh on you.

Purpur askedHow do you decide who pays at the checkout?

Whoever gets their card out faster 😂

Whoever can and wants to at the time, as long as it balances out overall over some period of time

Answers ranged from a race to tap the card first to agreeing at home; few described a fixed rule.

Purpur askedWhat would you ask your parents, and what would you change about your childhood?

Will you love me even if my life doesn't fit your expectations?

I wouldn't try so hard to be good just to be loved

Raising my kids the way I was raised 🫠

Unasked questions to parents range from whether they'd love them no matter what to why they stayed together, and some fear repeating how they were raised.

Purpur askedWhat does it mean to be a woman?

Sisterhood, female solidarity

42% define being a woman as being strong but vulnerable, and only 13% as multitasking; in the same survey just 6% said they deny themselves nothing.