Self-care vs. reluctance to face difficulties: where is the line?

Leaving a relationship that's hard. Dropping a project or a job that doesn't work out the first time. Is that taking care of yourself or giving up too early? Where is the line?

There's no clear-cut answer. It takes wisdom and intuition to, as the saying goes, "change what can be changed, accept what cannot be changed, and know the difference between the two."

Still, here are a few questions to ask yourself that may help you find the answer.

Ask yourself

1. Does this goal or relationship match your values and aspirations in life? Will it still matter in 5-10 years? Is it really what you dreamed of, or did you simply choose whatever was at hand?

2. Do you have enough resources? What exactly is missing? What would happen if you had more of it? How would that affect your decision? What internal resources (qualities, knowledge, skills) or external ones (friends, family, rest, a psychologist) could support you? How can you get them?

3. What is the secondary gain from not reaching the goal / not staying in the relationship? What's good about leaving / ending it / giving it up? What could be bad about staying / achieving it / getting it?

4. Imagine that this goal, this relationship, this person never existed and never will exist in your life... What do you feel? Relief or sadness?

Why is it hard to take responsibility?

1. Being too demanding of yourself, self-criticism, fear of making a mistake

It's hard to acknowledge your own part in a situation, because if something goes wrong, your self-esteem takes a hit right away. Disappointment in yourself is paralysing and keeps you from acting.

What to do?

Separate yourself from your decisions and actions. Give yourself the right to make mistakes and treat yourself with acceptance. As a rule, a person makes the best decision they are capable of at that moment, given their experience.

2. Blaming others, a tendency to see the cause of everything that happens in other people

This feeds a passive victim position. A person stops even looking for ways to act and change the situation, and may miss opportunities that way.

What to do?

Separate areas of responsibility. There are the people and circumstances around us, and there are our choices and reactions to them. Replace the thinking "I did this because of..." with "I chose to react to... this way because..."

3. Getting stuck in a child's position

Sometimes a person's psychological age doesn't match their biological age, and the same goes for their patterns of behaviour and reactions. Children depend on their parents, who are responsible for them. Sometimes the habit of relying on others, and also of suffering from their actions, carries on into adulthood.

It's best to "grow up" these childlike parts in sessions with a psychologist.

Responsibility is being aware of your own role in what happens to you, and being ready to change something / act actively in the current circumstances.

Whatever choice you make, one way or another you will have to face its consequences and take responsibility for the decision you made.